


Remedy

by monicasanoli



Series: Kelly [4]
Category: 30 Seconds to Mars
Genre: F/M, Original Fiction, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-03-26 01:43:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 35,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13847433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monicasanoli/pseuds/monicasanoli
Summary: People talk about love at first sight as if it were a real thing. It is not. Love takes time, and effort, and commitment. It is not sudden, nor impulsive. Attraction is.





	1. Chapter 1

People talk about love at first sight as if it were a real thing. It is not. Love takes time, and effort, and commitment. It is not sudden, nor impulsive. Attraction is.

I didn't fall in love with Kelly the first time I saw her. I'm not even sure I remember the day we met. All I have are some memories that my brain could have fabricated after hearing Jared and Kelly herself talking about that day. You see, they had planned to meet at that cafe, Emma and I were not even supposed to be there. It's only natural that they remember and I don't.

For me, the important memories begin a week after that. We'd had a long day of interviews and I was alone outside the hotel, having a smoke before heading back to check what everybody was doing that night. Kelly had been helping us with the interviews and the signings. I thought she was cool, but I didn't really have an opinion about her at that point. She still belonged to the "Jared acquaintances" realm.

"Hey, can I have one of those? I'm out." She showed up behind me, pointing to my cigarette.

I got the pack out and handed her one, flicking the lighter and holding it in place until she was set. She thanked me with a smile.

"Nice job in there," I said, just to say something. I wasn't lying, though. She had obviously done that before. I knew Emma was glad she didn't have to do everything by herself.

"Thanks. It was nice working with all of you."

"That sounds like a goodbye. You're not joining us for the rest of the tour?"

"Nope. Jared only asked me to help around this week, so..." She shrugged and looked at me, really making eye contact for the first time. Something inside me stirred then, and I realized she could be something other than just cool. Now don't go thinking that was love. That was miles away from love. That was nothing more than good ol' primitive, physical attraction. "It's been fun, anyway."

Now I couldn't just say goodbye and never see her again. I was curious.

"Hey, we could do something tonight, then. To celebrate."

"Celebrate what?" She was grinning, and I knew she knew where that conversation was going.

"The absolute success this week was. What do you think?" I took a few steps closer and touched her arm. She bit her lip and slid her hand inside my t-shirt, placing it on my stomach.

"I think it would be a shame if we didn't." She tossed her half-smoked cigarette, that one hand feeling my muscles react to her touch. "Only... maybe it's better to get as far from Jared as possible?"

I laughed at that, throwing my head back and taking advantage of the movement to hold her by the waist, tossing my own cigarette butt in the process. "You live around here, don't you? What do you suggest?" My fingers were already trying to get under the waist band of her jeans. Our hips were dangerously close.

"There's a nice club near my place, actually. Do you want to shower and meet me there?"

"Yeah. Text me the address."

She dug her fingers in my back and pulled me closer to give me a kiss on the cheek before turning around and leaving me there. I loved when girls didn't play hard to get, when things were clear and there were no expectations. With Kelly I could just tell we were at the same page. We both wanted the same thing.

That electricity I felt when she touched me was still running through my body when I rushed back to the hotel to get ready. I didn't know it then, but that feeling would follow me for the rest of my life, and I would almost go insane trying to find it in other women's touch. Over the years we would fall madly in love and turn each other's life apart, but that spark, that electricity... I would never stop craving that.

The club was nice, indeed. There was good music, and we danced and drank for a good part of an hour before leaving for her place. I was getting more and more interested and aroused by her with every passing minute. We didn't do a lot of talking at the club, though.

"Do you have protection?" She asked when we stumbled through her living room, devouring each other and almost ripping all of our clothes to shreds in our rush to remove them. I said I had and she grinned, murmuring "good boy" before taking me to her room.

The sex was mind blowing, but little did I know it would get even better as we got to know each other more and got more comfortable around our bodies. She felt amazing, and I loved her little moans and giggles, and the desire she had in her eyes when she looked up at me. I wanted to make sure she was enjoying all that as much as I was, so I did my best to satisfy her. Judging by her expressions and the way she reacted to my every move, I guessed she was quite pleased. And if I'd had any doubt that was true, all I had to do was live a few more days until she would tell me that herself.

We showered together before looking for something to eat in her kitchen.

"Do you mind eating pie? This is really all I have." Her face turned the most adorable shade of red when she realized what she had just said. She covered her eyes with her hand while I was trying not to laugh and failing miserably.

"I would gladly eat your pie again," I locked her in my arms and kissed her neck, "and again, and again. And, honestly, as many times as you wished." She blushed even more and smiled. It was already hard to keep my hands away from her.

"Seriously, though. I only have ice cream pie in my fridge. If you want something with more sustenance we will have to go out."

"Ice cream pie is perfect."

We curled up on her couch to eat. Her apartment was very nice and it made me realize I didn't actually know anything about her.

"So what do you do when you're not helping my brother?"

"That is a very good question that I'm not sure I have the answer to," she laughed. "I used to live in Germany until six months ago. I was a PA to a band called Edguy, have you heard of them?"

"Sorry."

"Don't worry. They are a heavy metal band, pretty good stuff. But that's it, really. I used to work with them, and now I don't."

I got that she didn't want to talk more about that, but I couldn't help my curiosity.

"But what happened?"

"I made the mistake of falling in love with the lead singer," she joked, but her eyes were suddenly different. Her whole body language had changed.

"That sucks, I'm sorry."

"Thanks."

"But wait, did he fire you only because you liked him?"

"Oh no. We dated for five years." She laughed at my reaction. "Yeah, it was a fantastic ride. But, you know, when your love life meets your work life... it doesn't usually go well, it gets messy. We were fighting all the time, it was really bad, so we talked and decided it was better to end things."

I nodded. "It sounds like you handled it well."

"We did. It was the responsible thing to do. Except that happened right in the middle of their tour, and only a few months after my mother had passed away."

"Oh."

She shook her head and put her plate on the coffee table. "I'm sorry, I'm not following after-sex protocol right." It was the second time she had made fun of herself in less than 15 minutes. I could tell she was uncomfortable, but I didn't want to make her feel like that. I really was interested in her story.

"No, please." I put my plate on top of hers and insisted. "C'mon, I'm the one who's asking. I think you are worth getting to know, and I'm not sure if or when we will see each other again after tonight, right?" She wet her lips and started chewing on them, a habit that would soon become extremely familiar to me. I moved closer to her and started kissing that delicious neck of hers again. "I can always torture the story out of you, you know," I whispered, making her laugh and tremble at the same time.

"Ok, you win! But you'll have to tell me your dirty secrets later."

"All of them, I promise." God, I was getting hooked on her smile so fast, I didn't even realize it.

She leaned back on the pillows, her legs on top of mine, before continuing. "My mother died while we were on tour. She had been sick for a while, actually, but I didn't think it was that serious. We didn't get along very well, you know. I moved to Germany to get away from here... from her. But of course I was devastated with her death. Tobias and I were doing pretty badly by then, so I thought a few days away from him would be good. I came here to take care of everything. Jared was around, so he brought Emma and they helped me a lot with the funeral. When I met the boys on tour again, well... it was almost like that life didn't make sense for me anymore, you know? Then, a few months later, I helped organize a meet and greet with the band in Brazil, just before one of the shows. It really was no extra effort for them, but their tour manager didn't like it, Tobias was pissed, and he left in the middle of it. He just left the room and that handful of kids waiting to talk to him and get a picture. It was really embarrassing. That was our breaking point. We screamed at each other till we lost our voices, then we calmed down, had a real conversation, and... here I am."

"Jesus, this guy is a douche." I said that in a funny voice to make her laugh.

"He has his moments," she said, simply.

"And how did you meet Jared?" I tried to change the subject a little.

"Oh, you won't believe it!" She grinned. "My mom used to be a costume designer before I moved out, and she met Jared while working on one of his movies. Now I had my Jordan Catalano phase, just as any other girl my age, so don't judge! Back then she used to take me to set sometimes, so one day she asked me to help her there and TA-DA! There he was."

"Thanks, mom," I laughed.

"Yeah, it was a little humiliating. But he was the sweetest, and we became friends, so... really, thanks, mom!" She looked up to the ceiling with two thumbs up and laughed.

"And what are you doing now? I mean, do you have any plans?"

"Not really. I think that's why Jared called me, actually. Emma is overworked, but she could have easily handled your schedule on her own this week. I think he wanted to distract me more than anything."

"That sounds like Jared," I agreed.

We didn't talk for a while, so I started running my hands through her legs. It wasn't even on purpose, I was just enjoying the warmth and the touch of her skin, but when I looked at her I caught her watching me with that same desire I'd seen before. She didn't blush then. Her lips slightly parted, she got to her knees on the couch and straddled me, burying her fingers in my hair while we kissed. Our mouths tasted like vanilla, from the pie, and her hair smelled like the fruity shampoo she had washed it with. I caught myself trying to register all of that before I had to go back to the hotel, and I knew I needed more of her to take back with me. Just like before, she seemed to know what I was thinking, because as soon as I put my hands under her shirt, she took them and placed them on her breasts, letting me play with them and roll her niples between my fingers. She moaned loudly when I pinched them, driving me insane. I was already rock hard, and I saw she was trying to get as much friction as she could from the fabric of her panties and the sweatpants she had lent me.

"Bedroom," she said in a shaky voice, full of lust. Not wanting to break that contact between us, I got up and adjusted her so she could wrap her legs around my hips. As soon as I put her down on her bed, she fished a condom from inside the drawer of her nightstand and handed it to me, taking her panties off.

"No," I groaned with every drop of self control I had left, putting the condom away.

"What?" She looked at me confused, her shirt in hand.

I made her lie down and got on top of her, kissing and sucking every bit of her skin, holding her hips down and making sure she couldn't reach my cock.

"Shannon, please," she begged when I rolled my tongue around one of her nipples.

"Waaait," I dragged the word, enjoying the effect it had on her. "I'll fuck your brains out in a second, just trust me."

She bit her lip, covering her eyes with both her arms and allowing me access to the rest of her body.

"Kelly," I gently pulled her arms down, "look at me." She did and I watched her eyes widening as I pushed one finger inside her, and then another. "Oh baby, you're so wet," I sighed with her, almost losing it.

I couldn't believe how good she was, the way her body moved under me, the sounds I got out of her as I circled her clit with my thumb. I took my time exploring every inch of her core and massaging her breasts until she couldn't take it anymore. When she grabbed my arm and started screaming my name, I kissed her belly and reached for the condom, getting rid of the pants I was wearing in a second. She was still too lost in her orgasm to realize what I was doing, so when I firmed my grip on her waist and entered her, all she could do was scream louder as her walls spasm and tightened around me repeatedly.

I still don't know how many times she came that night, but she did admit, a few months after, that it had been the first time she'd had multiple orgasms. It sure as hell hadn't been the last.

After we both came down, sprawled on her bed, she smiled and turned to look at me.

"You still haven't told me about you."

"What do you want to know?"

"Tell me something embarrassing."

I chuckled, pulling her closer so she could lay her head on my shoulder. "I'm afraid of flying."

"Really?" She started playing with my hand, her thumb running circles inside my palm. "That's curious, but not embarrassing."

"Well, when I was in first grade I told a girl I loved her and she said I was disgusting in front of the whole school."

"That's better," she grinned.

"Hey, don't be cruel. It was the first time I got my heart broken."

She turned on her stomach, holding her chin with both hands. "What was the last?"

I studied her for a moment before answering. "It was a long time ago. She didn't like this touring life. Wanted me to get serious about life, get a real job, that kind of bullshit."

"She doesn't sound like someone you'd be interested in."

"I wouldn't. Not today."

"Was she important to you?"

"There was a time when I thought she was."

Once she seemed satisfied with my answers she turned around again, leaning her back against my chest. We stayed like that for several minutes, until she spoke again.

"Did Jared know you were going ou with me tonight?"

"No. Should he?"

"Oh God, no. Actually, I think we should keep this between us, if you don't mind. I mean, I know we're not doing anything wrong, but you know your brother."

"Yeah, he would keep lecturing me for days," I smiled.

"Exactly."

"Do you have to go to the hotel in the morning?"

"Not really. I'd already said goodbye to everyone before I ran into you outside. But you still have..." she raised her head to check her phone, "five hours before the tour bus leaves. You can sleep here for a few hours if you want to. I mean, you can go now, if you don't want to stay, it's f-"

I chuckled, shutting her up with a kiss. "Shh, I'm not leaving this bed until I absolutely have to."

We fell asleep just like we were, only neither of us thought of setting up the alarm. Next thing I knew, Kelly was shaking my arm, saying we had overslept.


	2. Chapter 2

As I tried to get up and get in the clothes I was wearing the night before, I could hear Jared’s voice coming from Kelly’s phone. She was doing the best she could to act as though she had no idea where I was, reassuring my brother and saying that yes, absolutely, she would go back to the hotel and help them find me. When they hang up she started to get dressed, smiling at me.

“You’re in big trouble.”

“And whose fault is that?” I winked at her as I finished tying my boots.

“Not mine, obviously. I was just sleeping and now I have to go help them look for you before Jared calls the police.” She put her hair up in a bun and followed me out of the room. “Where is your phone, anyway? Jared says he’s been calling you for hours.”

“Battery’s dead.” I fished it out of my pocket just to make sure. “Honest mistake,” I shrugged. “So, we can’t show up together…”

“No, we can’t,” she mumbled, chewing on her bottom lip while she took a moment to consider the situation. “Ok, I know. Do you mind walking back to the hotel? You should take fifteen, twenty minutes if you don’t hurry.”

“What’s your plan?”

“You walk, I’ll take a cab, so I can get there faster. I’ll stall them until you show up and apologize. Oh, and keep your story simple if they ask. You don’t have to lie, just say you went to a club, met a girl and spent the night with her. I’m sure nobody will be surprised.” She smirked.

I chuckled and kissed her on the lips before leaving. The irony of having that first incredible night together followed by her handling my problems the next day wouldn’t escape me in the future. In that morning, however, as I made my way back to a very pissed Jared, I was just happy we got to meet. And I remember making a mental note to try and get in touch with her next time I was in town. Isn’t it funny when we think back to the plans we made before life got its way? As I stopped to get some coffee on my way to the hotel, all I knew was that I was about to see Kelly again for a brief moment before I’d have to hop on the bus. After that, who knew what was going to happen?

When I turned the last corner I was greeted by Tomo’s laugh before I even noticed the tour bus parked up ahead on the street.

“Dude, everyone’s looking for you!” He shouted. I grinned and ran to where he was gathered with some members of our crew. “Where’ve you been, man?”

“Long night.”

“What did I say?” he winked at the crew and we all laughed.

“Hey, where’s Jared?”

“Back inside with Emma and Kelly.”

“Thanks, man.” I walked up the steps to the entrance and found my brother pacing in the lobby, Blackberry in hand. Kelly was right next to him, talking to whomever they had on speaker. Her hair was now falling around her shoulders and her hands were on her hips. Emma was a few steps away, her fingers dancing as she typed furiously. She was the first to see me.

“Jesus Christ, Shannon!” She sighed and signaled to the other two.

“Where the hell were you?” Jared marched towards me with smoke coming out of his ears. “We were supposed to leave three hours ago!”

“I know, I’m sorry. I spent the night out and my phone died.” He took a deep breath and massaged his temples with his thumb and middle finger. I knew he was furious, but I also knew he didn’t want to make a scene in public. “Hey, man, it was a mistake. I’m here now, calm down.”

“I fucking swear…” he started under his breath.

“C’mon, it’s only three hours. We can make up for it on the road.”

He clenched his jaw and studied me for a few seconds.

“We’ve worked our asses off for this album and this tour, man. Please, don’t mess up.”

Emma, who was used to those arguments by then, just gave me a small smile and walked outside. Kelly, on the other hand, was witnessing the drama for the first time. She was a few steps behind Jared, looking at me expectantly, as if hoping I wouldn’t talk back. It was obvious from her expression that she had not expected things to go down like that. One look at her was enough to make me walk away from Jared without a word. Not only because of him; I was used to our confrontations, and I knew we would be fine the next day. But because of her being there, watching us. For some reason, I didn’t want her to see the ugly side. I know it didn’t make sense; after all, she had been his friend for a long time, and probably knew about some of the bad stuff. Still, I made a beeline for the elevators, hoping Jared would just let me be for a second. 

“Go with him.” I heard him, but didn’t stop walking. I did hold the elevator for her, though.

“I’m sorry,” she offered.

“It wasn’t your fault,” I mumbled, looking at my feet.

“Yeah. Still.”

We got to the right floor and walked to my room in silence. Since we had stayed in the same hotel for a week, my things were all over the place. I felt awkward gathering everything while she sat on a chair, waiting.

“Hey, I know I shouldn’t butt in, but do you want to talk about it?”

“Nah, we should go back before he loses again.”

“No, fuck him.” I finally raised my eyebrows at her. “We still have time until check out, and your schedule is not that tight today. I understand he was worried - and he really was about to call the police when I got here, - but he went over the line back there. I mean, he didn’t have to talk to you the way he did, and in front of everyone! I love him, and I know I should mind my own business here, but… it wasn’t fair to you.”

“I think it is the first time a friend of his tells me this,” I chuckled, sitting on the bed in front of her.

“Maybe they are all afraid of him? He has that effect on people.”

“But not on you?”

She frowned a little. “He’s not my boss. Why should I be afraid of him? Why should you?”

“It’s not like that, I’m not afraid. It’s just easier to avoid confronting him, you know?”

“It may be, but it’s not fair to you, is it?” She insisted.

I sighed. “I’m not an easy person to deal with, Kelly. He’s probably told you about some of it already, but I’ve got my problems. I’ve messed up a lot. I still do, sometimes. So you may not agree with what happened at the lobby, but it’s just his way of protecting me. I don’t like it either, but then I remember he’s just being my brother.”

She reached for my hands, her elbows on her knees.

“We all have our problems. He can’t treat you like that because yours may be a bit bigger.”

“You don’t get it.”

“Of course I get it! Jared tells me things. Maybe not everything, but I can fill in the blanks. I know you, Shannon. Jared’s version of you, at least. And from what I saw these past few days and… last night,” she smiled and her cheeks turned a stronger shade of pink, “there is more to you than a bad boy with a handful of traumas. I wish you could see yourself the same way.” She squeezed my hand for emphasis. “And I also wish you stopped thinking of me as Jared’s friend. I mean, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, I’m not just saying this because we slept together, but… I’d really like to get to know you better.”

“Why?”

She shrugged her shoulders a little. “I think you’re worth it.”

I leaned forward to kiss her, holding the back of her neck with my free hand. I ran the one she was still holding over her leg, reaching her hips. Not grabbing or anything, just feeling her body. As she parted her lips, she traced my jaw line with her fingers. It was different than the night before, sweeter. But the electricity was there, as strong as it had been before. Without breaking our contact, I put my hands under her and pulled her out of the chair, so she could sit on my lap on the tip of the bed. She held my shoulders tightly while I moved her, wrapping her legs around my waist when I sat her down. When we finally stopped for air, it was her initiative. She touched her lips, smiling at me as if we had done something wrong.

“Thank you,” I said as I brushed her hair out of her face. “For everything you said and for being on my side.”

She only nodded and pressed her lips against mine for a second before standing up.

“We should get going,” she said as she checked her phone. I agreed, standing up and zipping my bag shut. “Will you tell anyone about this?” She asked when I started walking towards the door.

“I don’t think so, no. Will you?”

“No. I think I want to keep this for myself,” she blushed again. “Is it okay?”

“Yeah.” I hugged her tight with one arm, kissing her neck. “Is it okay if I call or text you sometime?”

“Yeah,” she beamed at me.

We got back to the lobby, where a very different Jared was waiting for us. He was all smiles, casually chatting with Emma, as if nothing had happened. I chose to ignore the reasons for his change in mood, and just went straight to the front desk to return the room key. When we joined them, Jared was studying us very closely, although still smiling.

“Hey, you two got along really well, didn’t you?” He asked us. We both froze for a second, but he continued. “I think it’s great. It really got me thinking, you know. What are your plans now, Kelly? Regarding work.”

“I don’t have any plans. You know that.”

“Yeah? How do you feel about staying with us?”

“Like, for the rest of the tour?” Her eyes went from him to Emma, and finally stopped on me. Jared’s smile was now reflected on my face.

“Hey, don’t look at me!” I raised my hand.

“At least for the rest of the tour, yes.” Jared continued. “I was talking to Emma about it, we really appreciated your help this week. And everybody liked having you around, right, Shannon?”

I laughed. “Yeah, man, we all did.”

“See? You fit perfectly in our crazy family. What do you say?”

“You would be my right-hand girl.” Emma added.

“Well, yes!” Kelly declared. “Yes, of course. Thank you, Jared!”

“Alright, come here.” He pulled her in for a brief hug. “Now go back to your place, you and Emma. Pack a bag and meet us back here in 30 minutes. We’re late as fuck, anyway.”

Kelly flashed a smile at me before leaving with Emma. And that was how she became a constant part of my life.


	3. Chapter 3

The ride to Chicago was uneventful. Emma had Kelly attached to her hips at all times, even when we all went to the same place for dinner. They wouldn’t put their laptops down for anything, including the pizzas we ordered. Jared’s hint before we left the hotel in New York didn’t go unnoticed by me, but since he hadn’t said another word about it, and was actually treating me well, I didn’t worry. We had an agreement about not sleeping around with people we worked with, especially those who worked for us. Only neither of us had ever been capable of sticking to that rule, so even if he really had caught some vibe from us, I didn’t think it was a problem. Of course there was the possibility of him having hired Kelly just to make her forbidden ground from that moment on. But still, she and I were both consenting adults. And I wasn’t about to go babbling about our sleeping together to anyone. Deep down I wanted to, but she wanted to keep it to herself, and I liked her enough to respect that wish.

In the middle of the restaurant I caught myself watching her three seats away from me as she closed her laptop and stretched her arms above her head. She agreed with something Emma said, taking a sip of her Coke. When she put the cup down, she noticed I was looking at her and the corner of her lips curled up in one of those genuine smiles that would warm my heart so many times in the following years. I smiled back, but stayed where I was, listening to whatever Tomo was saying.

The hotel we were staying wasn’t far from the restaurant, so most of us just walked back, leaving behind the ones who wanted to party. Being on tour was tiring, but there was always a club to go to and crew members willing to lose a few hours of sleep, including me. That night, though, I was so drawn to Kelly that I think I never even considered going out.

“Early night tonight?” She showed up by my side as we walked, nudging me with her elbow.

“Yeah, I’m not in the mood to meet new people today.”

“Oh, that’s too bad. Tom was talking about this bar, trying to convince me to meet them there. I was going to invite you to go with me.” Her smirk was driving me insane.

“Tom probably wants to get in your pants.”

“Is that so? Well, I’m glad I told him I already have plans, then.”

“What plans?”

“Smoking with you, for one. The rest we can figure out later.”

I bit my lip, smiling at her. “Girl, you’re playing with fire here.”

“I think I’m not the only one.”

It turned out a bunch of us stayed outside to smoke and hang around the hotel’s parking lot, and Kelly and I had to mingle for good thirty minutes before she said she was calling it a night. I didn’t know if she was serious or not, but still, I waited five minutes and then followed her inside, hoping she would be waiting for me somewhere. I cursed myself for not even knowing on which floor she was, but then I remembered she probably knew mine. And there she was, leaning against the door, hands in her pockets.

“Heey,” she smiled. “That was fast.”

We were kissing the minute I closed the door. When she took off her jacket and held my face firmly with both hands, I knew she wanted me as much as I wanted her. I helped her out of the rest of her clothes and let her do the same to me, palming her and kissing every inch of her body I could reach. Gently, she pushed me to sit on the bed and stood in between my legs, grabbing me with one hand and directing mine to her core with the other. As she circled the tip of my cock with her thumb, spreading precum all over it, I played with her clit, watching her close her eyes in pleasure.

“God, I’ve though about this since this morning,” she whispered, holding me tighter as my cock twitched. “You’re so good, Shannon.”

“Fuck, baby,” I breathed out. “Were you wet for me the entire day?”

She bit her bottom lip and nodded, climbing on top of me. “Let me ride you this time.”

“Whatever you want.” I let her lead, sometimes thrusting my hips upwards, but otherwise letting her control everything, from the angle to the pace. She knew what she wanted and she wasn’t shy trying to get it. From my position under her, I watched her reach her climax one, two, three times, biting the back of her hand to prevent herself from screaming, and only letting out soft moans. When I felt I wasn’t going to last much longer, I rolled us so I was on top, spreading her legs and holding her knees to the sides to take in that view. “You’re so beautiful, babe. I can’t hold it anymore.”

“Whatever you need,” she panted, playing with her nipples. I fell on top of her, holding her shoulders for leverage as I slammed into her faster and faster. She whimpered when I bit her shoulder, and started raising her hips to meet mine. “Let me cum with you, Shan,” she begged, reaching in between our bodies to touch her engorged clit.

“Oh, fuck! C’mon.” I was going at a frantic speed, unable to slow down and desperately trying to wait for her. And just when I realized I was about to cum, she arched her back once more, her walls tightening around my cock, milking every drop that came out. I covered her mouth with my own to muffle both our screams, and then plastered kisses all over her face and neck as our heart rates normalized. 

She opened her eyes to smile at me and at that moment I remember I was trying to memorize every freckle on her nose. “What?”

“Nothing. It’s just… you’re beautiful. You are so fucking beautiful.” She blushed and let out a soft chuckle, burying her face on my chest. “Oh, come on. You can’t have sex the way you just did and then blush when I say you’re beautiful.”

“Sometimes I think you are mistaking me for someone else,” she touched my chin and my lips with her fingertips.

“Why?”

“I’m not the sex goddess you seem to think I am,” she laughed.

“Well, I have evidence to the contrary.”

“You inspire me in bed, that’s all. You make me feel sexy.”

“You are sexy, Kelly,” I assured her. “Didn’t your ex tell you that all the time?”

“He did, but it was different.” She bit her lips. “I mean, I’d never had multiple orgasms before last night. I hadn’t even cum more than twice in one night.” The grin on my face was so ridiculously big that she laughed. “Oh my god, forget I said that.”

“Sorry, not happening.” I kissed her forehead and then her lips, holding her tight against me. At the touch of our tongues, my cock twitched inside of her, and it occurred to me we hadn’t used a condom. I mentioned that to her, and she nodded.

“I noticed. Should I be worried about that?”

“Nope. I got tested before the tour began, about a month ago. I’m good. You?”

“Me too. And I’m on the pills.”

“Good.”

Just like the night before, I started playing with her hair and watched as she began to slowly fall asleep laying on my chest. I was almost sleeping myself when she spoke.

“Shannon, I need to tell you something.”

“What?” I opened my eyes as she finally disentangled our bodies and moved to a sitting position.

“Do you know why Jared hired me?”

“Not really,” I sat next to her. “Is this about what he said this morning? I think he’s just suspicious, he can’t be sure.”

“I know, I know. Look. Please, don’t tell anyone I’m telling you this? I wasn’t going to say anything, because I think that is exactly what he expects me to do. But I can’t just sleep with you and not tell you.”

“Tell me what?”

“That whole thing about being Emma’s right-hand girl is not the reason why I’m here. Like I told you before, Emma is quite capable of handling everything on her own. Jared felt that something was going on between us, yes. I don’t think he knows we are sleeping together, though. He probably thinks we’re just hitting on each other. Anyway, I’d never seen him as worried as he was about you this morning, Shannon. So, what he hired me to do was to look after you. Literally babysit you, and make sure you don’t do anything stupid.” She chewed on her bottom lip, waiting for my reaction.

“Did he tell you this? Did he give you these exact instructions?”

“Emma did when we went back to my place. I’m sorry. I don’t want you to think I came to your room tonight because of that. I meant everything I said this morning.”

“It’s okay,” I almost whispered.

“Is it? Really?”

I shrugged. “Why did you come here, then?”

“Because I like you,” she answered in a small voice. “And I did think about you in bed the whole day.”

“Fair enough,” I chuckled.

“Hey, fuck Jared. If anything, we get to spend more time together. Fucking,” she added. “I’m better than a bodyguard, I promise.”

“That you are,” I kissed her, trying to get rid of the bitter taste I had in my mouth. I couldn’t be mad at her, and I wasn’t. Jared was the problem.


	4. Chapter 4

As the weeks that followed went by, Kelly and I got much closer. I can't say I was already in love with her, but the attraction was there, and getting stronger. Nothing was boring when we were together, even the interviews, that I used to loathe before she came around. My change in mood was visible, as was my change in behavior. I went from quiet, always-brooding-in-a-corner, to cheerful and talkative. People started talking when I stopped going out with the boys at night, but I'd just say that was because I was tired and they would drop it. When someone made the connection with Kelly, the gossiping got heavier and we began to worry a little. Jared was always so busy that I'd be surprised if he were aware of what the word running through the grapevine was. But I knew he was watching us, gossip or no gossip, so we were careful not to do anything in public. It was hard talking about what we could and couldn't do in front of everyone, because we ourselves didn't know what was happening between us. And at that point I guess neither of was wanted to have that talk.

By then, Emma had been the first one to catch us. It happened right after a concert, in LA. Kelly had watched from the side of the stage, and I admit we basically eye fucked during the entire set. When the show was over, she gave me a towel and followed me backstage, where I had a room just for myself. We barely had time to speak before I pressed her against the wall and fucked her right then and there. We were so hungry for each other that it must have been over in less than ten minutes, but it was enough for Emma to start calling Kelly on her walkie. Flushed and panting, Kelly answered while I got under the shower.

"Hey, Jared wants to leave in five. Do you have Shannon?"

"Yeah, he insisted on taking a shower here."

"You need to let me know when these things happen, Kelly." I heard Emma's voice over the sound of the running water. "If Jared comes barking I need to be prepared."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Be at the bus in less than ten, okay?"

"You got it."

We met her in time, and there was no way of hiding what had just happened. I was a bit better, since I had showered, but Kelly had freshly fucked written all over her face. It took Emma only one look. She sighed, shook her head and placed her hands on her waist.

"Put your sunglasses on, Kelly. Stay here with me. Go, Shannon, get inside. I better not see you talking to her till the end of the day." I laughed, kissing the top of her head as I climbed on the bus. Later on Kelly told me that Emma had questioned her like a mother, but that, despite her reservations, she thought we looked cute together, and had agreed on helping us keep our relationship from Jared.

That relationship status only started to feel real when we lost it.

It happened a couple of weeks after that, in our first night in Frankfurt. Maybe it got too close to home for her, I don't know. She had been quieter since that morning, but it was the first time she was back in Germany after leaving, and I knew it couldn't be easy on her, so I didn't read too much into it. When we met in my room after the concert, though, she looked like she was about to cry at any minute.

"What's wrong?" I asked after brushing my lips against hers. She just shook her head, looking down. "Hey, what is it?"

"I really like you, Shannon."

"Yeah, me too. Isn't that good?" I smiled.

"No," she answered in a small voice, hugging her knees. "It's starting to look a lot like it did with Tobias."

I sighed. "You're upset because we are here."

"Being here is not the problem. It's just that I feel like I'm running in circles, you know? The way I'm seeing it, there's no way you and I can have a happy ending."

"What are you saying?"

"I can't... we can't keep doing this," she gestured back and forth between us. "Whatever it is that we are doing. Are we together? Are we seeing other people? Where is this going?"

"Do you want to see other people?" My heart began to race as I tried to catch up.

"No. But don't you think we should?"

"I don't want to."

"You are my boss, Shan." She continued as if I hadn't said anything. "One way or the other, like it or not, you are. I can't make the same mistake again."

"And which mistake would that be?" I asked rather dryly.

"Falling in love with my boss," she answered simply.

The word “love” hit me like a bucket of cold water, and it was only then that I realized I did have real feelings for her, that she wasn't just an easy, fantastic lay. I understood that it wasn't just the sex that was amazing, it was being with her, making her laugh, watching her chewing on her bottom lip when she was too nervous, and hearing her singing songs no one knew when she was happy. Suddenly I saw what was happening and what I was about to lose. And it hurt.

"Kelly, I'm not like Tobias. I would never put work before you."

"Oh, baby. Our first night together you told me the last time you'd had your heart broken was because she didn't like your touring life."

"What? No. That was different."

"Was it, really? C'mon, don't lie to yourself. I've seen you play, I know how much this whole thing means to you. You would never be as happy if you had to choose and you chose me. And it's okay."

"But why would I have to choose? It's not like you are at home waiting for me, like she was. We work in the same business, you are here with me every day, you know how everything works. Why are we even discussing this? Are you quitting?"

"No, of course not."

"Then why?" I held her face in my hands. "Baby, everything was perfect till we got here. This is only you remembering all the bad things you went through with him. But I'm not like him!"

"Please, Shannon," she freed herself, standing up from the bed. "Can't we just be friends from now on?"

"Was it Jared? Did he find out and threatened you in any way?"

"No." She walked back to stand in between my legs, placing her hands on the back of my neck and pressing her forehead against mine. When she started weeping, I held her as tight as I could. "Please. We can still be fuck buddies, if you'd like. I just can't... I'm not ready to deal with all these feelings yet."

I rubbed her tears away and made her look at me. "Kelly, whatever it is that you are feeling, I am feeling the same. I want you, baby."

"Don't say that..."

"Why not? It's true. You're not alone in this," I mimicked her gesturing back and forth, "and we can figure things out together."

She covered her face, shaking her head. "No. I know it seems impulsive, but I promise I've thought about it. I thought I was fine, you know? When I went back to NY, I thought I was over Tobi and that part of my life."

"Do you still love him?" I tried to swallow the lump that had formed in my throat.

"No. But he was my whole life for five years. And now I have no idea what I'm doing. I thought it would be just sex between us, Shan, I wasn't ready for more. Please, just give me some time."

I finally nodded, letting her go to her room. The next months were terrible and everybody noticed something wasn't right. I was in a foul mood, and Kelly had puffy eyes for weeks. Whenever we had to talk, or simply be around each other, we would be overly polite and cautious. And even though people didn't exactly know about us before, they all could see that we'd fought.

By the time we got to Japan, things had started to get a little better, but that didn't last for long. I wouldn't admit it, but I was angry. At everyone and no one in particular. The thought that maybe Jared knew all of that was going to happen and hired Kelly on purpose had crossed my mind countless times, but I guess I was just looking for someone to blame. Looking back, I think he was actually clueless, despite his suspicions. It's amazing how our perspective changes once we distance ourselves from the situation. Now I can see clearly how one event led to the other over the years; at the time, I couldn't see 10 inches in front of me. I got tired of seeing Kelly every day, knowing I couldn't have what I had before. She had said she wanted to be friends, that we could even be fuck buddies if I wanted. But how could we ever make that work? It was never supposed to be just sex.

So, in Poland, when I heard the guys talking about this club, I didn't think twice. I don't know if I wanted to hurt her, maybe I did. Or maybe I just wanted to blow off some steam; and so what if that made her jealous? Or way or the other, I jumped right back to habits I had been working hard to quit. From women to drugs, and booze, you name it. I did it all. And the hurt on Kelly's face each morning was only matched by the disappointment in Jared's eyes. But the guilt I felt when I looked at them would only drive me to do it all again the next night.

I remember once, in Moscow, Kelly had to use the spare key card to get into my room and send the girl I was with away, because I was late for rehearsal.

"Jared's waiting for you at the venue," she said to my general direction. "Take a quick shower. I'll be waiting with the car downstairs."

When she turned to leave, I tried to hold her by the shoulder, but she pulled away, looking at me through her tears.

"Why are you doing all this? Is it only to hurt me?" She asked me in a weak voice. "Because if it is, I got it. You can stop now. And, by the way, they only know half of the things you've been doing," she looked at the little bags on the nightstand. "I'm still trying to keep those a secret."

That hurt me more than anything else. We had a day off the next day, so I went to Kelly's room that night, hoping we could talk. The lights were on and she had deep dark circles under her eyes.

"What?" She sighed when she opened the door.

"Can we talk?"

She looked at me for a second, but stepped aside, letting me in. I closed the door behind me before following her to the room.

"Still working?"

"Deleting half of the things you do from the Internet is a full time job," she scoffed. "But hey, I've been promoted! I'm full on Shannon duty now, so yay!"

I took a deep breath and waited until she had finished. "I'm sorry, Kelly. I never meant for this to happen."

"You know, I get the girls. I wasn't expecting you to go celibate or anything, though you didn't have to go out of your way to make sure I knew you were sleeping around. My literal job description is to know where you are, even if you are not aware of it. But I get it, you wanted to make me jealous. What I don't understand are the drugs." She paused, looking at me. "Why would you go back to that?"

I dove my hands deeper inside my pockets, holding her look. "I don't know. I just want all of this to end."

"All of what?"

I sat on the chair next to her, searching for the words I wanted. "For months now I've been feeling disconnected from Jared, like he's way ahead of me and I'm lost, I don't know where I'm going. This band, this world that we've created... I love it, Kelly. You were right, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. And it has always been special because it's what we do together, Jared and I. It's our thing. He is better with the business part, so I never minded him taking care of it. But lately, I don't know, it's like he became my boss. He's always been there to pull me out of my dark places, and now... all he's been doing is making me feel like I'd ruin everything for everyone if I stepped out of line." It was the first time I was translating those feelings into words, and it felt good. "I'm not feeling like it's our thing anymore, you know? I feel it when we're on stage every night, but the minute we step out of it, he is the great Jared Leto again, not my brother. And when I met you... it was the first time I felt really good in months. You got me, just the way I am. You liked me just the way I am. Right?"

"I did." She confirmed. "I do."

I swallowed, nodding my head. "But then you were gone. It doesn't matter that we never labeled it, the time we spent together was enough for me to realize I don't want to live a life without you in it."

"I'm right here, Shannon. All I asked was for some time to sort things out. The intensity of what I'm feeling for you... man, you have no idea how much it's scaring me. And I can't jump right into it, not after what happened with Tobias. I know you are not like him!" She added when I opened my mouth. "I was impulsive back then, and I got really good things off of it, but I also got a massive heartbreak that I'm still recovering from. I don't want to look back years from now and think you were a mistake. But I am still right here, I didn't go anywhere."

"Yeah, but how am I supposed to act around you?"

"Well, not the way you've been acting," she gave a nervous laugh. "I know things have been weird between you and Jared, but you're only making it worse with the drugs and the drinking... and the girls."

"I know."

"It's not too late to stop, you know." She reached forward to rub my back.

"I don't know if I can do it alone."

"You don't have to, that’s the thing. I know how unaccessible Jared can be, but you can talk to him when you guys go home for the break.”

“Isn’t he going to Haiti or something?”

“Yes, but you’ll meet at home before the tour kicks off again, I believe. Anyway, if you can’t talk to him, talk to me. Or Tomo, or Emma, or anyone you feel comfortable talking to about it.”

“I never talked to anyone about it. Except for Jared.”

“Good, so that is what I’m here for.”

“I don’t want you to see me like this. I don’t want you to know…”

“I already know, remember? Trying to deal with it yourself is not working. Let me help you, Shan.”

We hugged and stayed like that for what could have been hours. Eventually, we changed the uncomfortable chairs for the bed, and we talked the whole night away. There was a lot of crying from both sides, besides awkward hugging and some laughter. However, for the very first time, there was no sex, and it was okay.


	5. Chapter 5

Kelly didn't want to spend the holiday break with me and I didn't want to push. She only made me promise I'd lay low, so she didn't have to work during those days. "But if you need to talk, if it gets bad, don't hesitate to call me," she had insisted. 

I had a couple of bad days, yes, but I didn't call her. Maybe I should have. If I'd called her, then she wouldn't have met that friend of hers I found out about later, and they wouldn't have slept together. If only I'd had a glimpse into the future, I would have done things differently, and saved us all a lot of trouble.

The first leg of the tour that year would be at home, so we didn't have to fly much. Everybody was excited about going back to the bus, except for me. There was this school trip feeling about it that I usually liked a lot, but at that time I was just apprehensive about staying in close quarters with Kelly for about a month. What if it was too much? What if something happened? What if we got into a fight and couldn't avoid each other for hours?

"Hey, what are you brooding about? We're leaving soon." She surprised me in my room, where I was hiding while everybody gathered downstairs before we left for San Diego.

"Just making sure I'm not forgetting anything," I tried to lie and obviously failed.

"Bullshit," she laughed and wrapped her arms around my chest, resting her head there. "How are you?"

"I've been worse," I answered under my breath, hugging her back and kissing the top of her head. "You?"

"I'm better now that I'm seeing you." I chuckled, caressing her hair. "You didn't call me."

"Yeah."

"Should I assume that was a good thing?"

"I guess, yeah."

"Why are you up here, then?"

As we swayed slightly, I moved away a bit to brush my thumb across her cheek, making her look up at me.

"I was nervous about seeing you again."

She smiled. "I was, too. It feels good, though."

"You are so fucking beautiful." I said as I tucked her hair behind her ear to kiss her face. Her whole body reacted to my touch, and she inhaled deeply, moving her hands to place them on my chest. "I've missed this." I held her chin and looked from her lips to her eyes, waiting for any sign of protest. Instead, she used the tips of her fingers to trace an invisible line from my collarbone to my neck and along my jawline, never breaking eye contact. 

"Me too," she mouthed before we kissed. Seven months had passed since that night in Frankfurt, yet, our tongues still knew their way around each other. Just as the rest of our bodies did. Every touch felt right, every breath, every moan. I was hard the minute our lips touched, and although Kelly was clearly trying to keep her hands on a safe place, she couldn't stop her hips from grinding into mine. When I touched her belly under her shirt, however, she moved away in a heartbeat. "I'm sorry," she panted, running her fingers through her hair. "Fuck, I can't think straight when I'm near you."

"Same here, girl."

She studied me for several seconds before making up her mind. "I'm sorry, Shan. We really need to go."

"You go. I need to take care of this first," I pointed to my crotch and she laughed.

"I owe you one, okay?" She promised before leaving the room.

I was still worried when I got on the bus, though the knot in my stomach had loosen up a bit. Spending those days apart had been good for us, in more than one way. We were still cautious, but we started to spend much more time together, just talking and laughing. It was impossible to be alone on the bus for more than five minutes, and we needed all our willpower not to hump each other like crazy whenever we were. One night, when we were leaving Houston to go to Atlanta, I managed to creep into Kelly’s bunk when most of the others were asleep. I was hoping she would be awake, but she was curled up near the wall, deep in her sleep, hands tucked under her chin. Lying on my side next to her, I carefully turned her iPod off, removed the earbuds from her ears, and kissed her temple. I didn’t have the guts to wake her up, so I just fell asleep there, one arm protectively around her body. During the night, she nestled into me, and we barely moved when we woke up.

“Did we do anything last night and I was so drunk that I don’t remember?” She whispered, as we could hear people moving and talking on the other side of the curtains.

I chuckled in silence. “No. That was what I came here for, but you were already sleeping. You looked so damn cute, I figured I’d better join you.”

“Why do you have to be so cute and hot at the same time?” She smiled, running her fingers through my hair. 

“So you finally stop resisting me,” I joked.

She opened her mouth to answer when Jared’s voice echoed through the bus. “Hey, is Kelly awake yet? We need her here for a minute.”

Tomo’s sounded much closer. “I’ll check.”

Kelly froze, but in the few seconds we got I just thanked our luck that Tomo had been the closest one; he would sure keep the secret. I turned my neck to look at the same time he pushed the curtain inches aside to peek. His eyes widened, and his face lit up in a smile a fraction of a second later. I put my index finger against my lips in a desperate attempt to make him quiet.

“Um,” he coughed. “Yeah, she’s up.”

“I’ll be right there, Jared.” Kelly shouted.

“C’mon, go to your bunk before anyone sees you,” he laughed quietly. “Oh, you kids. I knew it.”

“Tomo, please, don’t tell anyone about this.”

“You got it, kiddo,” he assured her before she went to the back lounge after Jared.

“Man, we mean it,” I insisted. “We’re not even sure about it ourselves.”

“So it is serious?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

With Emma and Tomo knowing about us, it got even more difficult to do anything. Everywhere I looked there was at least one of them, either checking if we were doing something we shouldn't, or winking his approval. I knew Kelly grew uncomfortable with that, even though she wouldn't say it. It became virtually impossible to be alone on the bus, or anywhere else, for that matter. The tension was building, and it kept on growing when we changed the bus for a plane and headed to Mexico. If we hadn't had that couple of weeks between Mexico City and Brisbane, we would probably have sent caution to the wind. The fact that we still didn't know whether we were on the same page or not helped us control our impulses. At least it helped me.

As Kelly didn't have a place in LA, Jared told her to stay at the house before we went to Australia. She was putting in long hours to work on his projects, barely having time to rest. The good thing was I had my room there, so there was the prospect of privacy, if we wanted it. I was trying to get out of her way, but still letting her know I was there. She would come to me whenever she had a few minutes to spare, and we would have a smoke together, but it was never enough, especially with Jared around. Until one night, long after midnight, she knocked on my door, hardly making a sound.

"Yeah, come in," I said, putting down the book I was reading.

When she entered the room, closing the door behind her, she wasn't her usual smiley self.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I propped myself up, motioning for her to come sit next to me.

"Am I bothering you? I saw the light was on." She asked as she approached the bed. I just shook my head, watching her get comfortable with one leg folded under her body.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just having a bad day and needed a hug."

"Aw, come here," I pulled her closer, wrapping my arms around her shoulders, so her back was against my chest. She was smaller than me, but not much, so our bodies would fit perfectly. I still miss the feeling of having her in my arms. I suppose I always will.

"What have you been doing all week?"

"Relaxing, mostly."

"No parties?"

I chuckled and kissed her neck, resting my chin on her shoulder. "No. I've been good."

"Good," she smiled. "Jared asked a lot about you today."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, like why you've been in the house all week. And why you've been so quiet."

"What did you tell him?"

"That that's exactly what he wanted?" She said as I ran my fingers up and down her arm. "But he's still not satisfied. He thinks you are having girl problems."

"He's not wrong," I laughed.

"Shut up," she got her legs under the covers and turned her body to face me. I laid my back against the pillows, lacing her fingers with mine. "I know I'm being a drag, but I need to be sure, Shan."

"I know. I'm still waiting," I said as I used my thumb to make circles on her palm. "It's just... sometimes it gets hard being around you, knowing I can't even kiss you unless we're completely alone. And Tom keeps coming on to you! Man, I swear I could smash his head against a wall!" She laughed at my sudden burst of anger towards one of our crew members.

"I know, he's pretty obnoxious. But it's not easy on me either, seeing all those girls throwing themselves at you all the time. Not the kids, but the ones that could actually have a chance with you. And you flirt with them, while I don't encourage Tom!"

"Oh baby, I just have to put on a show, you know that." I kissed the corner of her mouth, brushing my lips along her jaw up to her ear. "Besides, all I can think about, night and day, is making you come over and over again as you shout my name," I whispered. 

She closed her eyes, wetting her lips. "Fuck, I hate how easily you turn me on." I smiled against her neck, kissing it as I moved my hands under her sweatshirt to cup her breasts.

"Do you want it?" I breathed. "Do you want me to make you come like that?" She nodded before she could speak.

"You. I want you."

That was all I needed to hear. We barely slept that night, which wasn’t a problem for me, as I didn’t have anywhere to be the next day. Kelly, on the other hand, had to be with Jared early, so I took her downstairs while the house was still quiet and made her some coffee. Since we had met, that was the most normal situation we had found ourselves in, and the feeling of domesticity was very real.

“Man, we are standing in your kitchen wearing pajamas, and you are making me coffee.” She hugged me from behind. “We’re so cute it’s disgusting.”

I burst out laughing, trying to be quiet so I wouldn’t wake people up and have that moment cut short.

“I know, right?” I turned to kiss the tip of her nose. “Only this is not my kitchen.”

“Do you have another place?” She frowned.

“Well, no. Not yet. But I don’t intend to live with Jared for the rest of my life.” I leaned against the counter to watch her make some toast. “I moved in because it was easier than crossing the city every time, but it is not the ideal scenario for any of us.”

“I bet. If it were your kitchen we would be naked, right?”

“Probably.” I winked at her, placing the two mugs on the table.

“Then I’m all for you getting your own house.”

“We’ll see. I was thinking about doing that after the end of the tour.”

“I can help you, if you want.” She took a sip of her coffee and raised her eyebrows in surprise. “Wow, this is really good!”

“Careful not to get hooked on it.” Jared appeared out of nowhere, making me choke on my toast. “Why are you up so early, Shannon?”

“Couldn’t sleep.” I answered when I was done coughing.

“Really?”

“I was struggling with the coffee grinder, and he came down to help me.” Kelly offered, her face unmoved. I loved how well she lied to my brother.

“Yeah, I heard the noise and figured someone was making a mess down here.”

“Funny, I didn’t hear anything,” Jared said as he went about his breakfast.

“You didn’t? I was quite loud.”

I covered up my laughter with another coughing fit while I got up from the table. “Well, I’ll leave you guys to your day.” Kelly beamed at me when Jared wasn’t looking and I went back to my room, my heart as light as a feather for the first time since Frankfurt. I felt we were finally headed somewhere.

One night, in Australia, Kelly asked me where I wanted to spend my birthday, since we would have that day off.

“I haven’t thought about it,” I answered, running my hands over her bare back. She was lying on her stomach, her hands supporting her chin.

“C’mon. Really? You don’t turn 41 every day, you have to enjoy it.”

“It’s just a birthday. It doesn’t mean that much.”

“Shush! Don’t say that. Of course it does.” She took my hand and kissed my knuckles. “It’s your day, babe.”

I smiled, caressing her cheek. “What do you think I should do, then?”

“Spend the day with people you love, doing something special?”

“I could get that advice from a Hallmark card, Kelly.”

She stuck out her tongue, turning her face to the other side. “You’re such a party pooper.”

“Wait a minute,” I grabbed her hips, rolling her body so she was facing me. “Did you plan something already?”

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“You did, didn’t you?” I laughed, climbing on top of her and tickling her sides to make her talk. “And now you are dying to tell me!” 

“Stop, stop, please!” She pleaded, laughing hysterically.

“Not until you tell me what it is.”

“I can’t!… It wasn’t mine… stop, Shannon!”

When I did, she wrapped the sheets protectively around her body, eying me with suspicion.

“You were saying?” I raised an eyebrow.

“Jerk,” she smiled, pulling me closer for a kiss. “It wasn’t my idea, it was Jared’s. Don’t make me tell you what it is, please? I really think you’ll like it.” I nodded in agreement. “And act surprised?”

“I will. Promise.”

It turned out we went to Dubai, where Jared had rented a yacht for us to spend the day on. Things had been pretty quiet between us since the beginning of the year, so I guess it was his way of apologizing and saying we were cool. Jared had a thing for birthdays, especially ours and our mom’s; ever since we were kids, he would always prepare something special, or at least make us do something to celebrate. It could be a big party, or just a small cake shared among us, it didn’t matter, as long as there was something. I used to like his enthusiasm, but, as time went by, I stopped caring much about getting older. When deep down you don’t trust all good things that happen in your life, all you are left with is a bitter taste in your mouth, as if time itself is making fun of you and all your bad choices. That year was different, though. I wish I could say it wasn’t just because I had Kelly by my side, but I would be lying. She was the exact reason why everything felt so good and I was able to appreciate all the love everyone was giving me.

After a dive, I left the guys in the water and climbed back to the rear section of the yacht, where Kelly and Emma were sunbathing and chatting. With just a quick, meaningful look to the both of us, Emma smiled and got up. "I'll leave you two alone."

When she was gone, I took her place next to Kelly, who was looking at me expectantly. "So? Did you like it?"

I nodded, a big smile on my face. "I loved it." She seemed relieved. "Was it all Jared?"

"Yeah. He told me he was thinking about this when I spent those days with you guys in LA. Asked me if I thought it was a good idea. I agreed right away, but I gotta admit I was afraid it would be a bit overwhelming for you."

I smiled at how well she knew me and the thought of Jared asking her advice about me. "He must value your opinion a lot."

"When it comes to you, yes. I'm like a Shannon Leto consultant. I should put that in my resume." She laughed, resting her head on my chest and hugging my torso. The feel of her hot skin against my wet body made me very aware of the lack of fabric in between us.

"Hey, you'll get wet," I murmured, running my hands through her hair.

"I thought we'd had that conversation before," she turned to face me with a playful smirk. "I'm always wet for you, babe."

"Fuck. Don't do this, Kelly. Not here."

"Let's go down to the cabin, then. The bathroom is big enough."

"Are you sure? With everybody around?"

"Yeah. This was Jared's gift. I want to give you mine."

The minute we locked the door behind us, Kelly got on her knees, pulling my trunks down with her. Her eyes were locked with mine as she stroked me, demanding my full attention, as if I could focus on something else. “I believe I owe you something,” she purred right before making my cock disappear inside her mouth. I took a deep breath, leaning my head back against the door as she worked her tongue around my shaft with a hunger that was completely new for her. It was as if she was sucking me for the first time, really tasting me for the first time, and loving every bit of it. I looked down at her bobbing head and held her hair back so I could see her face. At the same time she cupped my balls, gently brushing them with her fingers, her other hand grabbed the base of my cock with all her strength. When I started to groan, rocking my hips back and forth, she held on to the back of my thighs to amplify the movement and speed up the pace, letting me slide deeper and deeper inside her mouth until I swear I was hitting the back of her throat.

“Shit, Kelly… you are… fuck. Fuck, baby! I’m coming…”

The very second I said that, she got up, pressing me against the door. “I need you to fuck me, Shannon. Just fuck me as hard as you can, please,” she pleaded, stroking me with her hand.

“Damn it, Kelly!” Grabbing her hips, I pushed her over to the sink and turned her, almost ripping the bottom part of her bikini off as I removed it. She immediately opened her legs and started to rub her butt on me. “You really want this to be rough, huh?” I growled into her ear.

“Yes! Please, baby…”

I pressed my cock against the small of her back, and reached for her clit, rubbing it as I let my fingers slide through her folds.

“You’re always so wet…” I whispered as she moaned, lowering her upper body and opening her legs even further to give me full access to her core. Digging my fingers into her hip, I adjusted and started slamming in to her as hard and as fast as I could. Through the mirror I could see she was desperately bitting her lips, though she couldn’t keep her moans down. I needed her to come with me, and I needed to hear it happening. I put more pressure on her clit, my thrusts getting more frantic. “Let go, baby. Let them hear us, I don’t care.”

“Shan…” She cried, as if I had freed her. “Shannon!”

“Yeah, baby, come with me. It’s… shit… oh… KELLY!”

She screamed at the same time I did, our bodies convulsing together. We collapsed on the bathroom floor and stayed there for what could have been hours. A sweaty mess of limbs, warm kisses and heavy breathing.


	6. Chapter 6

“Do you think they’ve heard us?” Kelly finally asked.

“They would have to be deaf to be on the boat and not hear us,” I laughed.

“But I don’t think they are on the boat. Listen.” We did, and could only hear faint laughter coming from a distance.

“Thank god for small favors, then.” I held her face and kissed her one more time, slowly, taking my time exploring her mouth.

We had found a comfortable enough position on the floor, but the movement of the boat eventually forced us to get up. After squeezing in the shower together, our bathing suits back onto their proper place, I unlocked and opened the door to the cabin. It was just as it had been before, there was nothing there but our bags spread all over the seats. Kelly stopped in front of hers and started to look for something.

“What do you need?” She ignored me until she found what she wanted, turning around with a wrapped box in her hands and the cutest smile on her face. “Oh, baby, what did you do?”

“I got you something I thought you might like. Here, open it.”

I took the box and undid the wrapping, finding a brand new Nikon D3S inside. “Oh, Kelly.”

“I know you are into photography, and that you used to take pictures before. So, I figured it would be fun for you to do that again. Happy birthday, baby.” She stood on her toes to give me a kiss on the cheek. “Did you like it?”

“If I liked it?” I hugged her tight by the waist, lifting her off the ground and spinning her around as she giggled. “I loved it. I loved what you did back there,” I nodded towards the bathroom, “I loved this… Damn, girl. You didn’t have to do all this. This is like the latest… it’s a brand new fucking camera, it must have cost a fortune!”

“Shh, that’s not important,” she frowned, shaking her head. “I told you, it’s your day. And I just… I like to see you happy.”

“Thank you. For everything, baby.” Right when we started kissing again, we heard people coming back from the water, talking about some cake. Kelly moved away, laughing.

“I guess it’s time for your cake,” she said, leading the way back up to the deck.

It happened around a week after that. We were home for a few days, and Jared decided to give Kelly the time off. I was desperate to spend whatever time off we had together, so I asked her to stay at the house, but she had other plans.

“I don’t want to raise any red flags, and I’m quite sure Jared heard us at the yacht.” She confided on the flight back.

“Why? What did he say?”

“He made some weird comments. Listen, I’m just not willing to risk it. Things have been good between you two, I don’t want to be the reason for another falling-out.”

“Fine. But where will you stay? We can hang out anyway.”

“Shan…” 

“You know we still haven’t talked about… this. Us.”

“Yeah, I know.” She took a deep breath, looking out the window. “I was kind of hoping we wouldn’t have to.”

“What the fuck do you mean?” Somehow I managed to keep my voice down.

“I thought I’d be sure by now. I though we would both be… I don’t know… ready.”

“I am!”

“But I’m not, okay? I’m sorry. I’m neither sure nor ready.”

“Yeah, that’s what you keep saying,” I scoffed. “When will you be? ‘Cause I’m not sure I can keep playing your game.”

“What game, Shannon?”

“The one where you act like you’re crazy for me just when it suits you. You show up in my room, all sweet and sexy, saying you miss me, and that you want me. But you can’t run fast enough the minute I want to take this to the next level. What is it, are you afraid you won’t get laid without this ridiculous charade?” I knew I’d said too much the minute the words were out, and her eyes started filling with tears. “Shit. You know that was not what I meant.”

“Whatever,” she mumbled, wiping her tears on the sleeve of her sweater.

“Kelly, please.” I reached for her hand, but she crossed her arms, turning her back on me as best as she could. “Look, I’m sorry. I’m just sick of hiding in hotel rooms. I want to be with you for real, in the real world. I want to take you out on a real date… man, there are so many things I wish we could do together.”

“Stop.” She said through her fingers. “Just stop. Leave me alone.”

I sighed with frustration, but did what she asked. We didn’t talk the rest of the flight, and she barely looked at me between landing and leaving the airport. Jared offered her a car, but she told him she didn’t need one and disappeared the second he dismissed her.

“Hey, what happened to Kelly?” He asked me when we got in the car with Emma.

“How should I know?” I practically barked at him.

“You were sitting next to her,” he frowned, turning on the front seat to look at me.

“Yeah, man. Doesn’t mean I’m her best friend.” I saw the look he and Emma exchanged and rolled my eyes.

“I’ll call her later,” Emma assured him, shooting daggers at me.

“Yeah, make sure she’s okay. She’s been through a lot the past couple of years, and she tends to shut down when she needs people the most.”

“Why did you give her this time off, then?” I asked, making their heads turn to me again.

“What do you mean?”

“You know you are the only person she has here in LA. Why didn’t you at least invite her to stay at the house with us?”

Jared smiled, seemingly enjoying my exasperation. “You sure aren’t her best friend, man.” I clenched my jaw, waiting for him to continue. “You two got pretty close this past year, didn’t you? Did she ever tell you how we’ve met?”

“Through her mother?”

“Yeah, exactly. When Kelly was younger, sixteen or so, she used to hang out on every set her mother worked. And she liked to party when mom wasn’t around,” he laughed at some memory. “Anyway, the point is it wasn’t only me she met, dude, I’m definitely not the only person she has here. When I hired her, I made it very clear that she could stay at our place whenever and for how long she wanted. And I didn’t force her to fly back to LA just now, Shannon. She could have gotten a connection to New York, which she clearly chose not to do. I don’t know what’s going on with the two of you, but I’m not stupid, blind, nor deaf. You’re my brother and I love Kelly like a little sister, I don’t want to see any of you getting hurt by the other. But don’t fool yourself, man, there’s more to her than she chooses to reveal.”

The car was silent for several minutes after he finished talking. I couldn’t bring myself to look at any of them, so I just tried to focus on whatever road we were driving by. There were so many things going through my head, I couldn’t think clearly. What did he mean by “she liked to party when mom wasn’t around” and “there’s more to her than she chooses to reveal”? When I finally spoke, however, it was to ask about something else.

“You said she tends to shut down when she needs people the most?”

He turned his head to the side, speaking over his shoulder. “I just meant she likes to pretend she’s tough all the time. When her mother died, for example, I called her about a dozen times, and she never once cried or asked for help over the phone. She only broke when we showed up at her doorstep, remember, Emma?”

“Yeah,” Emma said next to me. “Same thing when she moved back from Germany. We only found out because I kept calling her.”

“My point is,” Jared continued, “she makes friends wherever she goes, but she doesn’t trust people so easily. And she hates being vulnerable. Whatever happened between you two, Shannon, give her some time to adjust. But don’t wait too long.”

I exhaled, leaning my head against the window. “Yeah. Thanks.” My voice barely came out.

“And don’t worry about the partying stuff,” he laughed. “She was sixteen and allowed to make stupid decisions. Besides, I said I love her like a sister, and that’s how it’s always been.”

That night, when I opened my suitcase and the first thing I saw was the camera she’d given me, I had to go for a walk just to keep me from trowing the thing against the wall.

The house was still too small the next day, so I started looking for places to hang out. I wanted to be by myself, because I knew whatever company I got, things would turn out badly. I was consciously trying to fly under the radar, but at some point I just couldn’t take the silence any longer.

“Hey, Kelly. It’s me.” Was how the only voice message I left her started. “Listen, I’m so sorry about what I said on the plane. You have to know I didn’t mean to say those things. It’s just that… this whole fucking thing is so frustrating! I know you are feeling the same way, baby. Just, please, answer your phone? Don’t shut me out, let’s talk about this. You are… damn it, Kelly, you are my best friend. I know I’ll see you again in a few days, but I can’t wait until then to make things right again. Call me when you get this, okay? Please.” I regretted that message as soon as I’d send it, but still, I kept checking my phone for an answer that never came. 

Jared cornered me one night, when I was about to go for a ride, saying things were starting to get out of hand. I ignored him, but he wasn’t going to quit so easily.

“I can fire her, if that will make you feel better.” I turned on my heels and looked at him as if he were speaking another language.

“Are you out of your mind?”

“Actually, I think I’m the only one who’s not! You spend the whole night drinking in your room like a fucking teenager, and Kelly won’t take my calls. I feel like I’m reliving high school, only now I’m the adult!”

“She’s not taking your calls? You don’t know where she is?” I asked, unaware of how panicked I sounded. 

“Calm the fuck down, Shannon. Emma is in touch with her. She will only talk to Emma, for some reason.” He raised his arms in exasperation. “She’s with a friend, bro. She’s fine.”

“A man friend?” Jared pressed his lips together, and I could see him weighting the pros and cons of telling me the truth. “Fucking bitch.” I said under my breath, putting my helmet on and turning to leave.

“Wait, man,” he ran after me. “It doesn’t mean anything!”

“If she shows up, do me a favor and tell her to fuck off.” I said before starting my bike and riding away.

Whenever I went out for a ride I would always go to Santa Monica first. Especially if it was the middle of the night and I knew I could walk for a while and not be recognized. There was a spot on the beach, away from the pier, where I liked to sit, watch the ocean and just think. I started doing that to calm myself when things got too much. It usually helped, and after some time I wouldn't feel so shitty and I could just go back home. Jared had suggested that years before, and I think I never actually told him how much it had helped.

That night I was fuming. I was angry at Kelly for not letting me in, at whatever friend she had that was keeping her from me, at myself for acting like a stupid, jealous child, at Jared for knowing her better than I thought I did, the list was endless. However, as soon as I left Jared behind, I knew I didn't mean all the things I'd said, and so I forced myself to go down the beach. Maybe I was being unreasonable, and all I needed to clear my mind was salty air.

I left my motorcycle in the usual place and followed the track to my spot. It wasn't so late, and there were more people around than what I'd wished for, but that was okay. Hiding under my hoodie, I sat there for at least an hour before Jared called.

"Hey man, where are you?" His voice was controlled, but I could hear the concern in it loud and clear.

"I'm okay, Jared. I just need some space to breathe."

"I had no idea it was like that. I knew you guys hit it off from the start, but I thought... I don't know, I didn't think it was this serious."

"Apparently it isn’t."

"C'mon, don't say that. She deserves the benefit of the doubt."

I inhaled sharply before answering. "Yeah, whatever. Don't worry, okay? I'll be home in a while."

"Okay."

It broke my heart when I realized Jared's concern was genuine. I guess I never really doubted it, but it had been so long since we had a conversation that felt real. I thought of what Kelly would say to that and hated the lump that formed in my throat. She still hadn't answered me. No texts, nothing. I resisted the urge to call her, but barely. When the thought of throwing my cell phone in the water got too tempting, I figured it was time to go back home. Maybe Jared would still be up. Maybe we could talk a bit more.

The streets were less crowded when I got to my bike. I had just put on my helmet when another Harley rode by and stopped a few blocks ahead, near the pier. I wouldn't have looked at it twice if it hadn't been for her laughter echoing in the night. Paralyzed, I watched as Kelly climbed down the back and removed her helmet, looking like she was having the time of her life.

"You were right, I needed that," she laughed, grabbing the man's arm.

I have no idea what she did next. All I know is I regained consciousness inside a holding cell, a police officer grabbing my arm and pushing me out towards a waiting room, where Jared and Kelly stood. I was too numb and confused to argue or resist when they put me in the backseat of the car. As Jared drove us to the house in complete silence, I shrank into the shadows of my hoodie, trying to avoid the bright sunlight of what seemed to be the middle of the afternoon.


	7. Chapter 7

"Talk this shit out," Jared barked when he dropped us off. "I don't care how long it takes, you won't leave this house until you solve this. Do you understand?" I saw Kelly nodding in the wing mirror, her eyes red, but dry. "Shannon, are you listening to me?" I mimicked her and got out of the car, heading straight to the front door. Jared kept talking to Kelly while I waited, hands deep in my pockets. "I'll text you after we talk with our lawyer,” I heard him say. “Are you sure he's not pressing charges?"

"Yeah," she answered, her voice much lower than his.

They exchanged a look full of words I couldn't possibly understand, and Jared let go of the steering wheel to rub a hand on her back. "It's not the same. You're not going anywhere." She wiped the tears that started falling and nodded. "Now go get Emma."

Kelly avoided looking at me when I let her open the door, but she touched my arm ever so lightly when she asked me to wait for her there. While she went down the lab, I leaned against the back of the couch and tried to ignore the pounding in my head, so I could remember. The last memory I had was of seeing her at the pier with... Jeremy. That was the name she kept shouting. I swallowed, suddenly aware of the bitter, coppery aftertaste in my mouth. My tongue soon found the cut on the inside of my cheek, and I hissed, closing my fists and realizing my knuckles were also bruised and full of cuts. All evidences were there, but I could only guess at what had happened.

When they reappeared, Emma flashed me a smile and left, leaving Kelly and me alone in the living room.

"Let's get you cleaned up first, then we'll talk." I agreed and followed her upstairs to my room. She got the water running in the shower and came back to help me undress. "Does it hurt?" Her fingers traced my knuckles and I shook my head. "And here?" I moved away when she touched my temple, making her frown. "Alright. Go take a shower. The water is pretty warm, it will help you relax. I'll be waiting for you when you're done."

At first I didn’t recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror. Half of my face was a giant bruise that started on my left cheekbone and radiated to my temple and forehead. My eyes were bloodshot, and there were small cuts on the right side of my chin. I held my mouth open to inspect the inside of my cheek and the cut that I’d found earlier. It wasn’t bleeding, but it was hurting like hell. All my body was. I rinsed my mouth with water and spat whatever blood was still there before attempting to actually brush my teeth. The hot shower really helped my muscles relax, though it did nothing to put my mind at ease. When I left the bathroom, I found a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt on the bed, and Kelly smoking on the balcony.

“I hope you don’t mind,” she showed me the cigarette.

“No.” That was the first word I’d tried to speak all day, and it didn’t come out right. I cleared my throat and repeated it. “No. It’s fine. Can I have one?”

She gave me the pack and watched me for a few seconds. “Do you want me to get some bandages?”

I shook my head, blowing out smoke. “Kelly, I don’t remember what happened last night.”

“You saw me down at the pier with Jeremy,” she started, taking a deep breath and looking away. “He’s a very good friend of mine, who I decided to spend these days with, because I needed some clarity. Anyway, you came at us, and I guess you were not quite sober. You punched him in the face, and he punched you back, and you guys started fighting, and at some point you stopped reacting.” Kelly paused to inhale, drying her eyes with her sleeve. “You were just lying there, on the sand, but you were awake. I started calling Jared, but Jeremy was already calling 911. And then you simply got up, went back to your bike and disappeared. We spent the whole night looking for you, until they told us they’d found you outside a strip club on Sunset. The cops said you were wasted and trying to ride away. It took me half of the morning to convince Jeremy not to press charges, and the other half I was trying to get Jared to accept my resignation.” She shrugged, putting her smoke out. “He paid your bail, by the way. But there is the whole DUI thing. He should be talking with the lawyer now.”

“Did I hurt you? Did I physically hurt you?” I asked, running a hand over my mouth.

“No.”

“And my bike?”

“We’ll have to wait till we hear from the lawyer.” Kelly lowered herself and sat crossed legged on the floor, motioning for me to do the same. “What you did last night was not good, but I know I’m the one to blame here. I messed up, I kept leading you to believe things were a certain way, and then I shut you out. Only I don’t want you to think I did all that on purpose, or something. I’m not a bad person, Shannon. There was no game. You deserve honesty, and I haven’t given you much of that, so… ask me anything. Whatever you want to know, I promise I’ll tell you the truth.”

I put out my own cigarette and wet my lips, thinking of all the things I wanted to ask her, all the things that were bugging me.

“Are you sleeping with that Jeremy?”

“I have. A couple of times. But not now.”

“When was the last time?” I swallowed dry, looking straight into her eyes.

“In January.”

“Shit,” I scoffed. “When you asked me to behave and lay low?”

“We were not together, Shan. And it’s not like you haven’t done anything.”

“Have you ever slept with my brother?”

“What? No!”

“Never?”

“Never. Where is this coming from?”

“I need to make sure,” I shrugged. “Is he not your type? You said you were crazy about him when you were younger.”

“Yeah, when he was Jordan Catalano and a poster hanging on my wall. C’mon, man, he’s like an older…”

“Brother?”

“I was going to say sister,” she smiled, making me chuckle a little.

“So why did you shut me out like that? ‘Cause I thought we were okay, you know, after my birthday.”

Kelly ran a hand through her hair and closed her eyes for a few seconds. Whatever she was about to say, I knew it wouldn’t be easy to hear.

“Tobias is engaged. Their drummer, Felix and I, we still talk all the time, and he mentioned it to me last week. I’m sure it wasn’t on purpose, he felt pretty bad afterwards, but whatever. You spend five years traveling the world with someone, you kind of expect they feel as shitty as you do when it’s over, you know? And Tobi met this girl like a month after I was gone,” she laughed at it. “I’m not jealous, I’m just wondering if maybe he is trying to compensate for something, I don’t know. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought about what I am feeling for you. Like, what if I’m doing exactly what I think he is doing? What if I’m exaggerating this thing between us just because I’m alone and scared?”

“And what if they found the same thing we did in each other?” I jumped in. “Kelly, you need to accept that he is gone. Your life with him is over. I believe you when you say you don’t love him anymore, and that you’re not jealous, but you are still letting him control you. And it’s been what? Two years since you came back? Come on, you need to move on, make your whole self available, not just your body. Man, I am right here and I fucking love you, why won’t you let me?” There it was, loud and clear. I was just as surprised as she was at those words, but I didn’t show it. To hell with it, it was time we started owning our shit.

“You what?”

“You want me to say it again, really? Do you want me to beg? Get on my knees and beg? ‘Cause after everything I did last night, begging wouldn’t be hard.”

“Fuck you. I don’t have to do this.” She got up and went back inside.

“Yeah, perfect. Run. That’s what you do best.” I shouted, following her downstairs. “Where will you hide now, princess? New York, Germany or sweet Jeremy’s arms? Or is there yet another friend you forgot to tell me about? Where the fuck are you going?” I grabbed her wrist when I finally caught up to her.

“To the kitchen!” She yelled, pulling her arm free. “I need some fucking coffee.”

“I’ll make you some,” I told her in a much softer tone, and she followed me in silence. “Sit.” It wasn’t an order, and she let me kiss her cheek before falling on the chair, laying her head on her arms. The beating and the drinking had made me look horrible, but she had seen better days as well. Red, puffy eyes on a very pale skin, she didn’t have to tell me she had cried the whole morning. At least I had showered, while I could see she was still in the same clothes she had been wearing at the pier. “Did you eat anything?” She didn’t look at me, her only answer was a small shake of her head. “I can make us pancakes, what do you say?” I hunkered next to her, caressing her hair.

“Can we just have some cookies?” She asked in a small voice, making me smile.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I’m too sick to eat.”

We shared a whole bag of cookies I found in the back of a cabinet, washing it down with coffee. Neither of us said anything for a very long time; we just kept throwing glances at each other, looking away when our eyes met. Finally, when the coffee was over, I reached out and held her hand.

“Where are you going now?”

“What do you mean?”

“You said you were quitting. What are you going to do?”

She chuckled, shaking her head softly. “Jared won’t let me go.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Are you, though?” We both laughed. I watched as she touched my bruised knuckles with the tip of her fingers, chewing on her lower lip while she thought of what she was going to say next. “I don’t really want to quit, and he knows that. I just wanted to be away from you.”

“Is that what you really want?”

“Of course not, Shannon. I can’t get enough of you, don’t you see that?”

“Sometimes. And then you shut me out.”

“Yeah. I just think… I don’t know, it’s like we are both out of control, running towards each other all the time. It’s just a matter of time before we crash. And who knows what will be left of us when we do? I’ve never had this with anyone else, I’ve never felt this way for anyone. Have you?”

“You know I haven’t. But you think the best thing to do is stay away?”

“I just wanted to play safe. To protect myself… and you too.”

I wet my lips, moving closer so I could hold her face with both hands. “I love you. No, look at me, Kelly. I love you, and I know you love me too. I don’t care if you’re still not ready to admit it yourself, because I know you do. Yes, it is scary, but not as much as the thought of you being with someone else. I’m sorry about last night, I really am. But, please, stop running from this.” I leaned in to kiss her, and she let me. When we parted, she held my face carefully, tracing the cuts and the bruises with her thumb.

“I need to sleep,” she said and got up, not bothering to wipe the tears now.

“Kelly…”

“I’ll let Jared know, so he can call you directly. Thank you for the coffee.”

I sat there while she climbed the stairs to the guest room, my own tears falling freely.


	8. Chapter 8

The door slided open behind me, and I didn’t have to turn to know it was Jared, though a part of me hoped it was Kelly. He grabbed a chair and sat by my side, facing the pool.

“Don’t you think you’ve been smoking too much?”

I shook my head, wetting my lips. “Don’t start. Did she say anything to you?”

“We talked,” he nodded. “Well, sort of. She won’t stop crying. Look, man… she will stay with Jeremy until next week. Calm down, listen to me! I can’t have her around like this, it will be better for all of us if you just spent a few days apart. It’s not the end of the world, it’s just five more days. Use this time to cool down, alright? I’m telling you exactly what I told her; I need both of you to be on your game. I didn’t hire her just for the sake of it, I did it because I really need someone to do her job.”

“Keep an eye on me, you mean,” I scoffed. “She told me.”

“Of course she did,” he rubbed his temples. “You see, this only proves my point. She is on your side, she will always be on your side. Even before all this, whenever I told her about some argument between us, she would always help me understand how you were feeling. I need her to be there for you when I can’t, Shannon. I know she disagrees with me half of the time, I know she’s always helping you go behind my back, but I trust her with you. So take this time off, cool it down, put things in perspective. Kelly will stay with Jeremy and she will be doing some thinking too.”

“So that’s it? You’re grounding us? Who decided she was staying with him?”

He sighed, getting up. “Kelly is old enough to make her own decisions. And I’m just trying to help, man. You have a meeting with the lawyer in two days, by the way. Try to focus.” Kelly left about ten minutes after Jared went back inside, and I only knew she was going because I heard the car and their goodbyes.

Five days is nothing, yes, but I still remember that time felt like forever. I didn’t hit rock bottom then, which I think gives me a little credit, but maybe that was just because I had no idea what being with Kelly would really feel like. Having her for me, completely and undoubtedly mine, with no reservations or fear, was one of the best things that ever happened to me. And when it all went away… that was when I crumbled.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. I spent those days locked in my room, like the broody teenager I’d become. As much as I wanted to go out, I didn’t want to run the risk of seeing Kelly on the street again. The only time I left was to go see the lawyer, which went well enough. The officers that had found me said I was trying to start the motorcycle; I wasn’t actually riding it, so there was good room for our defense. They told me I only had to wait for the DUI hearing, which they would try to schedule as soon as possible. In the meantime, I should just “lay low”. I laughed at that, wondering if Kelly had spoken to them before I got there. Jared had bailed me out and taken care of all the extra fees, so I could at least have my bike back.

On Friday, a couple of hours before we had to leave for the airport, Kelly texted Jared saying she would meet us there instead of at the house. She was waiting for us at the gate with some other members of our crew, and I hated the way we had to pretend like everything was fine. She was a good actress, though. I could never fake being fine the way she did. Her smile faltered only once, before giving me a brief hug, but I’m sure no one noticed it. Jared must have been proud.

On our first night in São Paulo, I went to the hotel bar after dinner, and just stayed there until I lost track of time. The girls always did a good job in keeping the hotels a secret, so it was as quiet and peaceful as it could be for us. I’ve always liked the quiet; it helped if I wanted to pretend I was anonymous for a second. I was lost in my drink when Kelly took the chair in front of mine.

“I thought you were out with the boys.” 

I bit my bottom lip, studying her. “I though you were supposed to know of my whereabouts at all times.”

“Hence, my surprise.”

“I wanted to unwind. Why are you here?”

“Same reason. How are you feeling?”

“Like shit.”

“Yeah,” she looked at something behind me, and her expression changed from annoyed to furious in a heartbeat. “Well, I hope you have fun tonight.”

I tried to ask what she meant, but she was already storming out of the bar. Right after she left, Tom and some other guys walked in with a group of girls under their arms. They saw me and motioned for me to join them.

“Dude, was that Kelly?” Tom tried to ask in a low voice. “I’ve been trying to get her alone for ages.”

“She has a boyfriend,” I told him, looking at the girls.

“Fuck me, really?” I fought the urge to roll my eyes; he was a good sound engineer, but he sure wasn’t the brightest in the bunch. “Oh, anyway. Her loss,” he laughed. “We brought some girls back with us, what do you think?”

“That you should be more discrete.”

But I took one of the girls to my room all the same. I wasn’t drunk enough not to feel guilty at the moment, something I took care of the following nights in South America. Just like it happened the year before, the look on Kelly’s face would break my heart every morning. But those feelings were not new for us anymore, and quickly turned into something ugly and bitter for both sides. As I did my thing, she started going out on her own after the shows, drinking more than she usually did, and trying to match my indiscretions. It’s true that she was an expert in making the evidences disappear, but we were still walking on thin ice. Disapproving frowns before we got on stage became sarcastic comments at breakfast, and those gave way to muffled discussions on the tour bus, when we went back to yet another leg of the North American tour. In spite of his brotherly sentiments and good instincts towards us, that time Jared really was clueless to what was happening, and kept insisting Kelly stay in charge of me.

That silent war went on for weeks and weeks, until we found ourselves back in New York for the MTV Unplugged rehearsal. Kelly slowed down in the partying a bit, and instead of challenging stares and an attitude, I was faced once again with eyes full of hurt and disappointment.

On the day we would finally rehearse with the gospel choir, she got me alone in one of the back rooms of the venue, walking up to me with her arms crossed in front of her chest.

“Is Jared calling for me already?” I asked, not looking up from my phone.

“I can’t do this anymore.” She ignored my question.

“I’m sorry?”

“I’m done. I’m out. You win. I’m becoming someone I can’t recognize anymore, and I don’t like that. I see you with those girls and I want to hurt you. I can’t think of anything else, night and day. Do you know… have you ever stopped to think about how I’ve been feeling? You’re so focused on getting your revenge and making me suffer… have you even paid attention to any of the things I’ve been saying since the beginning?”

I dropped my phone and scooted to the edge of the couch, my eyes trained on her. “You’re not putting this on me.”

“God, I hate myself for allowing you to hurt me that much.” She ran her hands through her hair, pacing the room.

“I told you I loved you!” I cried. “I begged for a chance with you, what else do you want me to do?”

“Love!” She scoffed. “Yeah, you told me you loved me, right after getting into a fist fight with one of my best friends! And then, next thing I know, you are sleeping around again. What do you know about love, Shannon?”

“Me?! I’ve been following you around like a stray dog for a year! You don’t recognize yourself anymore? What about me? You’ve turned me into this pathetic teenager I thought I’d left behind decades ago. All because you keep giving me hope and crushing me the next minute.”

“Oh, fuck you! You’re not that fragile.”

Kelly leaned against the wall in front of me as I let my head drop between my shoulders. The silence in the room was even louder than Jared and the choir’s singing not too far from us.

“There is this force between us,” she finally said, making me look at her. “This… electricity.”

“I know.”

“It’s too strong… and it’s killing me. I’ve tried fighting against it, but…”

“It’s not working.”

“No.” She walked up to the couch and sat by my side. “I’m done fighting.” I slowly brushed her hair off her face, feeling my heart racing. “Do you really think I don’t love you?”

“Oh, Kelly…”

“You’re destroying me… I gave you the power to destroy me. How could I not love you?” She shook her head, her tears falling on her lap. “I’m crazy about you, Shan. I love you. I love you, I love you.”

“I know, baby.” I held her face with both hands, kissing her cheeks, her nose, her mouth. “I love you too.”

“Stop hurting me, please,” she whispered, holding onto me.

“The same goes for you.”

“I know.”

When we kissed, it was like coming back home. It was sweet, familiar, safe, even, despite all the problems we’d had. I ran my thumb across her cheek to dry her tears, and it wasn’t until she did the same with me that I realized I was crying too. We smiled and swayed in each other’s arms for several minutes, listening to random verses of Where The Streets Have No Name.

“This song will sound great with the choir,” Kelly smiled against my chest.

“Are we really doing this?” She knew I wasn’t talking about the cover.

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” she raised her head to look at me.

“Aren’t you afraid?”

“I’m terrified,” she chuckled. “But the other way is clearly not working.”

“You won’t regret this tomorrow, will you?”

“No. I’m yours, baby.”

Fifteen minutes later, Emma came rushing through the door, a big smile dissolving her frown as soon as she saw us making out on the couch.

“Finally, guys!” She laughed. “Shannon, I’m sorry, you’re needed. Oh, I’m so sorry to interrupt.”

I kissed Kelly one more time before standing up and leaving them alone. And from that moment on, everything fell into place. All was right in the world, and nothing could burst our little bubble.


	9. Chapter 9

The fireplace was what sold it for me. I could see myself just relaxing in front of it with a cup of coffee every morning, or in a cool night, with Kelly lying on the couch next to me. The rest of the house was good too. Kelly loved the wide window that faced the pool area, and the lounge next to it actually turned out to be her favorite spot. She would spend a lot of time there, either watching TV, or just sipping her coffee, staring outside. I wanted to make some changes upstairs, but other than that, we had found the perfect house.

"Is this the one?" She asked, walking around the pool towards me.

"Yeah, I think so." I wrapped my arms around her shoulders. "What do you think?"

"I can see you here," she smiled, nodding.

Just a few days later the house was mine. It would be a while until I could move in, though, so we went to New York to spend some time in her apartment. We had been together for five months already, and between shows, tour buses, flights across continents, excellent hotels and crappy hotels, time had flown. We were living a very unconventional couple's life, working together and being together all day, every day. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been a little afraid of that at first, especially after Jared insisted on having "the talk" with both of us, separately. Although he was genuinely happy for us, he made sure he reminded us of how much that relationship had already affected our tour life. He wanted me to keep in mind that Kelly was family for him, and that he could kill me if I did anything to hurt her. He also wanted her to know that I was his real family, and he would definitely fire her, ban her from our lives and possibly kill her if she did anything to hurt me. Otherwise, he was a shiny ray of sunshine around us.

But I had no reason to fear. When Kelly finally decided to open herself up to me, she did it with all her heart. Our chemistry went beyond sex, and even after the euphoria of a new relationship died down a bit, things remained just as heavenly. At the same time we knew each other pretty well, we rediscovered ourselves every day. There was always a new story from our past to be told, a new experience, a new fear, a new favorite food... it never got boring.

That was seven years ago, and until today I often catch myself wondering what went wrong. Kelly likes to say we are too much for each other, like all our feelings combined are too intense to handle. I agree with her, but I don't know if that's all there is to it. All I know is I still haven't accepted this reality, at least not as well as she has. I don't want to. 

We had three whole weeks for ourselves before the next shows in Mexico. And we used them well. Her bedroom and living room were not unknown to us, but we made it our mission to experiment and explore every other corner of her house. After everything that had happened, we were using protection again. It wasn't something we discussed, I just got the condom out our first time back and she nodded her approval. She never asked about the things I did during those months, and I too didn't want to know about her adventures. It was easier that way, and the condoms were almost like a symbol of our silent agreement of not bringing up that topic. We didn't want to keep using them forever, though, so we got tested again, and as soon as we were cleared, we celebrated properly. Countless times.

"Hold your hair up, yes, like this. Look down."

"I feel stupid," she whined. 

"Shh. Look at me." I laughed behind the camera when she stuck her tongue out. "C'mon, baby, just one more."

"I didn't give you this damn thing so you could take nine hundred pictures of me, you know. At least not like this."

"Would you rather be naked?" I grinned. "I'm down for that too."

"If I get naked, you better do the same. Preferably touching me, or your dick, not something else."

I put the camera away as she crawled on all fours towards me, stopping at the edge of the bed. "Got it," I growled, lifting her up and attacking her mouth as one hand grabbed her by the hair and the other removed her pants. She did the same with me and wrapped her legs around my thighs, making me fall on top of her.

"Yeah," she moaned. "This is how I want you.” I pinned her wrists down above her head and started teasing at her entrance, watching as she squirmed under me. “Please, Shan,” she started lifting her hips to meet mine.

“Please what, baby?” I smiled and made her look at my eyes. “Just tell me what you need me to do and I’ll do it.”

“Fuck me with all you’ve got,” she breathed. With a wink, I let go of her arms to hold her knees up and took a moment to look at what I was only feeling with the tip of my cock. “Wet enough for you?” She teased with a half smile.

“Perfect, as always.” I slammed into her, giving her no time to adjust. As she moaned and whimpered, she managed to slide off the t-shirt she was wearing and started playing with her breasts, grabbing them and twisting her nipples as she threw her head back in pleasure. She could give me whatever argument she wanted to the contrary, nothing would ever convince me she wasn’t the sex goddess I was seeing right in front of me. “Oh, you feel so good.”

“Mmm,” she reached for my thighs. “Faster, baby.”

“Faster?” My eyes widened at her request; I was already going as fast as I could. Instead, I spread her legs wider apart and started to slowly pull out of her, her juices all over my length.

“What the fuck, Shannon, I said…” I slammed back into her with all my strength, reaching places I hadn’t before and letting my balls hit her ass with a slap. “Oh,” she exclaimed as I was already pulling out again.

“Better deeper than faster, huh?” I smirked, going in once more.

“Oh god, don’t stop,” she cried only a few thrusts later. “Right there, baby. YES, FUCK! SHANNON! SHANNON!” She arched her back in absolute ecstasy, her eyes closed and her chest going up and down.

I gently pulled out and lowered her legs on the mattress, taking my t-shirt off and climbing on the bed to lie next to her. “Are you okay there?” I laughed, kissing her shoulder as her breathing normalized.

“That was…” she wet her lips, cracking her lids open and turning her head to look at me. “How does it keep getting better? How do you…”

“It’s you, baby. You inspire me,” I repeated what she’d told me once, making her smile. “And if I could spend a lifetime making you come, it still wouldn’t be enough. I’ve never been with anyone who fit so well in bed with me.”

“How can you be so perfect?” Kelly turned on her right side, propping her head up with one hand and caressing my cheek with the other. “You are so fucking gorgeous,” she kissed my lips, nibbling at them as they parted. I let out a low groan, making her smile. “And sweet, and caring,” she kept saying as we kissed, her hand traveling down my body. “And hot. God, you are so hot. And so… fucking… sexy.” She grabbed what she wanted, stroking me, slowly at first. “I swear, Shannon, sometimes I wonder what was it that you saw in me,” she wet her lips again, looking at my cock in her hand with nothing but desire. “But then I look at you and I’m just like… to hell with it, we’re together,” she smiled. “I’m all yours, and you are all mine.”

“I am, baby. How could I not be?” I watched her get on her knees by my side and sank her mouth down on me, taking in every inch she could get. She did wonders with her tongue alone, but her hands were also there, stroking and cupping me to a state of bliss. She always moaned as she sucked me, and it was so natural that I don’t think she even realized it. But, as I started to feel my release approaching, I reached for her thigh and ran my hand up her butt, slapping and grabbing it, which only made her moan louder, the vibrations adding to all other senses. “Oh, Kelly,” I breathed out, thrusting my hips up. Without warning, I slid two fingers inside of her, my thumb rubbing her clit and my ring finger touching her asshole. Immediately she began moving her hips and bobbing her head faster, her moans getting even louder. “Yeah, baby, keep going… oh, Kelly… oh, fuck, I’m coming…” She held my hips and the base of my cock as I came in her mouth, still moving my fingers inside her. I forced to keep my eyes opened and watched as she swallowed everything, licking me clean afterwards. “You’re so fucking good,” I whispered.

“Lick me out, Shan,” she begged, lowering her upper body to lift her butt up a little bit more.

I kneeled behind her, taking my fingers out, to which she promptly protested. “You’re never satisfied, are you?” I chuckled. “That’s just one of the things I love about you.”

“Just…” I lapped at her clit, interrupting her. “Oh, fuck, yeah.” Holding her thighs in place, I kept flicking and swirling my tongue around her folds, making her scream and grab the sheets like her life depended on it. When I slid my fingers back into her, she hit her peak, her whole body spasming as I laid her on her back and kissed all the way up to her mouth.

“Sex goddess!” I said, lying on my back next to her.

“Oh, please, don’t start this again,” she laughed.

“Sex goddess. Period. End of discussion.”

“Well, do sex goddesses eat brunch?”

“It’s like 7 pm, or something.”

“I know a place,” she winked. “Let’s go get ready. I desperately need food” 

“Alright.” I hopped off the bed and saw the camera where I’d left it. “Can we just get another shot first, please?”

She sighed, wrapping the sheets around her body. “Really? Like this?”

“You have no idea how beautiful you are, do you?” I smiled at her, moving a strand of hair away from her face. “Hold the sheets like this. Yeah, perfect.” I took the picture and put the camera away for good before we got in the shower. Until very recently I used to walk around with that photo in my wallet. I printed it in black and white, put it there and never had the guts to take it out. Now it is inside a box, in my closet.


	10. Chapter 10

"So, Kelly. Where are you going to live when this tour is over? Shannon tells me you have this apartment in New York, are you going to go back?"

Meeting my mom was something Kelly was considerably nervous about. Her knowing Jared for as long as she did, I was surprised they had never met before. It was Jared's idea to have this family lunch before we left for the final leg of the tour, and I thought it was a good one. Kelly, on the other hand, tried to come up with excuses not to go until the very last minute. 

"You'd better go without me," she told me that morning, during breakfast. "I mean, it's a family thing, you and your brother should hang out with her. I'd just be in the way."

"Bullshit. Why are you so nervous about this?"

"How many girlfriends have you introduced her to?"

"You'll be the first, I think."

"Oh, perfect. 'Cause I wasn't really feeling the pressure before," she sighed, gulping the rest of her coffee."

"Wow, slow down," I chuckled, holding her hand and tracing circles on her palm with my thumb. "There's nothing to worry about, baby. It's just lunch."

"I'm not good with in-laws, Shan. I'll spill my drink, or say something inappropriate. I'll just embarrass myself, I know it."

I thought it was the cutest thing to see her, so strong and confident, getting so anxious over something like that. But I assured her it would be fine; my mom knew about her and what she meant to me. She knew Kelly made me the happiest I'd ever been, so of course she would like her. How could she not?

Kelly smiled politely at the question. She could indeed have been a fantastic actress.

"To be honest, I haven't thought about it yet. I'm definitely staying in LA, though."

"Right, I forgot. You have many friends around who are willing to take you in."

"Mom." I warned, putting a supportive hand on Kelly's knee under the table. I didn't understand why she was acting like that.

"She can stay with me as long as she wants to," Jared winked at her, lighting the mood. "But Shannon's house will probably be ready by Christmas, so maybe she has other plans."

"Oh, so you're moving in?" My mom stopped eating to lace her fingers under her chin, looking from Kelly to me with a small, unpleasant smile.

"We still haven't talked about this," I answered, carefully, turning to her. "But you can, if you want to," I added, kissing her cheek.

"I'd love to," she smiled at me. "But I'm also thinking of buying. It would be good to have my own place here, too."

"Makes sense," Jared agreed, eyeing our mother, who had resumed her eating in silence. "Anyway, you still have time to figure it all out. Hey, mom, have I told you what I found in that French boutique you like?"

And just like that, Kelly wasn't in the spotlight anymore. I mouthed her an apology, to which she smiled and shrugged a little. If she could talk at that moment I knew she would say "see? I told you so."

After lunch, we left Jared and my mom to their plans and went back home to get the Harley. Since I could ride again, I wanted to take Kelly to a coffee bar in Malibu. I loved that she liked coffee as much as I did, so I thought it could make her a bit happier after what had just happened.

"Are you sure you are okay?" I asked when we got out of the car. "We can stay here and watch a movie, if you prefer."

"Oh, no. C'mon, she was just being protective. I'm alright."

I held her and kissed her, placing my chin on the top of her head. "I meant what I said before. About you moving in with me."

"I know," she hummed, kissing my chest. "Will you be mad if I don't?"

"No. I know it's probably too early for that, it's just that... we already spend all of our time together anyway. You know, on tour and all."

"Yeah. But it's your house, you know? It won't be like crashing at Jared's... I don't know, it would feel too..."

"Definite?"

"Something like that," she smiled. "Are you upset? You know I'll be spending most of my time there anyway, right?"

"Yeah," I chuckled. "And then we can alternate between your place and mine, when you get yours."

"Yes, so it doesn't get boring. And we can include the apartment in New York in the mix."

"Oh, good. I love when you ride me on that couch."

She laughed, holding me tighter. "If you still want to go to Malibu, we better do it now, before you get me too horny to wait till we're back."

"How about we go and I try my best to make you horny in public?" I smirked.

"If you do, you can't hold me accountable for my actions," Kelly gave my butt a playful slap and walked to the garage.

We ended up spending the rest of the afternoon in Malibu; the weather was chilly, but nice, and the coffee was a plus. When the sun was nearing the horizon, we took our shoes off and went for a walk along the beach.

"Why did you say you're not good with in-laws?" I asked her when she got too quiet.

"Because I'm not," she smiled. "I don't like the pressure of having to please people I don't know. It's awkward, I feel like I can't be myself." I nodded, and was about to say something, but then I thought it was better not to. She saw my hesitation, though. "What?"

"No, it's just... I know how that feels. I’ve never had to meet the parents," I chuckled "but I know how it feels to try to please someone so bad that you're just not you anymore."

"Who did you want to please?"

"Old friends, old girlfriends," I shook my head. "I don't even remember their names anymore, you know? I have to try hard to remember... but I know the feeling of never being good enough."

"I know. At least you don't get that crap from your mom and Jared."

I scoffed. "Yeah."

"Is there something I don't know?"

"How much has Jared told you?"

"Apparently, not everything." I kept walking, but she stopped and held my hand. "Let's sit here and watch the sunset like the cute couple we are. And then you can tell me everything. Or not, we can just sit in silence," she laughed, kissing me before sitting on the sand. I sat next to her, but didn't say anything for a while. "Seriously? I'm the queen of family drama, Shannon."

I laughed, kissing her shoulder. "There's nothing to tell. My mom and Jared have this connection, you know? We all do, but they have this special bond that I've always felt I wasn't a part of. I'm different, like, all three of us are black sheep, but I'm the blackest. Does that make sense to you?" She nodded and I went on. "Anyway. I've always wanted to be like them, to be someone who they would feel proud of. But I'm just not."

"Don't say that. They love you, they are proud of you."

"Yeah, or maybe they just have to act like that because I'm family."

"Oh, Shannon."

I turned to the ocean. "I shouldn't have told you that."

She shook her head. "You can tell me everything, you know that. I didn't know you felt this way."

"I know I might be wrong, I don't feel this way all the time. But there's always this voice inside my head that keeps telling me these things, and sometimes it gets louder than everything else."

"And then you run off."

"Yeah. I just... need to get high to stop it. That voice." 

Kelly sighed, hugging her knees. "Have you tried something else? Instead of booze and drugs?"

"Jared once told me to find a peaceful spot and stay there for a while, until I'm calmer. There's a stretch of beach in Santa Monica I go to sometimes. It doesn't always help."

"That's why you were out there that day...?" I nodded. "I'm so sorry, Shannon. Does Jared know you feel like that?"

"Nah, I never told him. I never told anyone."

She leaned against me, laying her head on my shoulder and hugging my arm. "Thank you for trusting me. I hope this stupid voice never starts talking about me, because I love the shit out of you, Shan." I chuckled, but she was serious. "I mean it. I think you are amazing. You're loving, you care about the people around you, you always makes me smile... I'm the happiest girl in the planet when I'm next to you. And you'll always be more than enough for me. Please, remember this."

"I will." I was tearing up when I squeezed her in my arms.

"Now would be a perfect moment for you to get your camera out and snap some pictures, you know, to make sure you'll never forget."

I laughed, squeezing her tighter. "I won't forget, baby. But what about you?”

“What about me?”

“Why are you the queen of family drama? We never talk about these things…”

“Yeah…” her thoughts wandered for a moment. “I’m an only child with mommy issues, that’s all,” she tried to joke.

“Stop doing that.”

“What?”

“Making fun of yourself when you’re uncomfortable. You always do that when we talk about your past.” She looked at the horizon, chewing on her bottom lip. “There’s nothing about you that could scare me away, if that’s what you’re afraid of. And I’ll never judge you, ever.” I moved to look at her in the eyes, brushing my thumb against her cheek. “You gotta let me in, remember?”

She smiled lightly and tilted her head to kiss my palm before lying back against my chest. “I’ve never met my dad,” she started. “I think my mom didn’t know who he was either, but that was fine, you know? My grandpa filled in, and he was all the father figure I could have wished for. We were together a lot when I was a child… my mom, grandpa, grandma and I. Grandma was delightful, she would lit up any room she walked into, and my mom was the same. I wish I were like them sometimes, but…” she put a strand of hair behind her ear and let her hand fall on her lap with a sigh “I’m not. We lived in Lake Placid, upstate New York… yeah, nice place, but pretty boring to grow up in. The only thing I loved about that place was chilling by the lake with grandpa, he used to tell the best stories, and he had the best games,” she laughed. “God, I miss him. He had this wooden bench, you know, on our yard, and he loved that thing. There was nothing special about it, it wasn’t a swing or anything, it was just plain wood. Pretty uncomfortable, even. But he would sit there for hours during the summer, reading, drinking his coffee, or just soaking up the sun. Every day I would wake up and run outside to find him there, waiting for me.”

“What happened to him?”

“Cancer. We actually moved to New York City because of his treatment, but he died just a few months after that.”

“I’m sorry, baby. How old were you?”

“Eleven. Yeah. We were very much alike, you know? Very different from mom and grandma. And when he was gone, I was so alone and I got so distant from the rest of my family, like he was the only one who I felt connected to. And then mom started investing on her career and I would stay home with grandma, and I didn’t know what I was supposed to do… who I was supposed to be. You see, I’ve got my own demons,” she turned to look at me with just the hint of a smile on her lips. “When I was thirteen I kind of went full rebel on them; I started to hang with the wrong crowd and do all sorts of things I shouldn’t do. I was really selfish… like, I had everything I needed right there, you know, and still…” she sighed and then shook her head. “I was nineteen when I went to Germany. My mom was furious, but grandma… she was devastated.”

“Do you regret moving there?”

“No. If I could go back in time, I’d do it again, but… in a different way. Grandma died about two years after I moved, and her funeral was the first time I went back home after I’d left. That I regret.”

I kissed her temple, snuggling her closer. “And how were things with your mom after that?”

“Awful. We got closer for a while, but it didn’t last. We kept trying to work things out, but she was always working, and I was always traveling, so… She got sick because of her stomach. It started with an infection, and she needed surgery, but it never got better. So now I’m the only one left,” she looked at me. “I’m sorry I never talk about these things, but it hurts… it really hurts, like… I know they didn’t die because of me, but in a way…”

“No, Kelly. It wasn’t your fault.”

“We’re pretty messed up, aren’t we? No wonder we make such a good pair.” I laughed with her, but there was no trace of humor there. Kelly was right, we were pretty messed up, but I think that was something we could recognize in each other right from the start, and it was what brought us together. 

The sun set and darkness fell around us as we stayed just like we were. When it was too cold, we decided to go back home, get some take out and watch a movie under the blankets.


	11. Chapter 11

With the end of the tour, we all found ourselves with more time on our hands than we knew what to do with. Just as we expected it, I was able to move into my house before Christmas, and Kelly stayed there with me for a couple of weeks, helping organize and decorate the place. In the end, it had her style, as much as mine. I wasn’t thinking about the future or making any plans, I just wanted to cherish that time we had together; finally, just the two of us. We stayed in LA for the holidays, and celebrated my mom and Jared’s birthdays with them. To my surprise, my mom and Kelly spent some time together themselves, and they actually got pretty close. Over the years, they developed a good, healthy friendship, but it all crumbled when Kelly went back to Germany. And, two years ago, when she came back to do what my family should have done, she made sure she gave them a piece of her mind.

“It won’t be a shock if they never send me a Christmas card again,” she’d said. I never knew the details of their discussion, but I know my mom can’t even hear Kelly’s name anymore. Jared, on the other hand, softened up after a while. She was, after all, the little sister he had never had; they could never be angry at each other for too long. In fact, he was the first person she called when she found out she was pregnant, and there was a fifty percent chance the baby was mine.

But that wasn’t the first time we thought we were having a baby.

After Jared’s birthday in 2011, we went to New York for the New Year’s Eve, and Europe after that. We traveled for a good part of a month, and were both sad to come back to reality when it was over, that was why I figured Kelly’s temper was nothing but post vacation depression, mixed with work-related stress. Jared had her dive straight into marketing for VyRT and the documentary he was editing, both quite different things than what she was used to, so she was a bit overwhelmed. One evening, in mid-February, I came home to find her lying on her favorite spot, crying her eyes out.

“Kelly? What happened?” I ran to her, crouching in front of the couch. “Hey, hey… what is it?” She had her hands covering her face, and she wouldn’t stop bawling. It took me at least five minutes to get her to calm down, and another five for her to talk.

“We never discussed that… I don’t know if I want it, I don’t know what to do!” She said, looking down at her hands.

“What, baby? What are you talking about?”

“I… I’m late.”

“What do you mean…?”

“I think I’m pregnant.” She bit her lips, waiting for my reaction. When I didn’t say or do anything, she began explaining herself. “I was supposed to get my period two weeks ago, when we came home from our trip… and I didn’t… I’m never late, Shannon! Fuck, my boobs are huge and sore, and I’m afraid to go to the doctor… shit. Shit! I am on the pill, but apparently those things are not 100% effective. Condoms rip, pills don't always work... if life wants to fuck with you, it will find a way! Would you please say something!?"

I couldn't. I didn't know what to say. I took a deep breath, trying to stop my mind from racing. Being a father was never something I wished for or thought about; my life wasn't built for that, a child simply wouldn't fit in. The first thought that came to my mind was for Kelly to have an abortion, and I loathed myself for that. She clearly didn't want that baby either, but I couldn't force her to get rid of it. It was her body, I'd have to let her decide what to do. But if she opted for raising the child...  _my_ child... shouldn't I be a part of that decision?

"Shannon!" She shook my arm. "It's not your turn to freak out, it's mine. And you're supposed to calm me down, not make it worse!"

"I'm sorry," I blinked, wetting my lips. "Did you tell anyone about this?"

"No."

"Good. Let's go get a pregnancy test. If it's positive, you'll go to the doctor and we'll figure out what to do then."

She shook her head, slowly. "I've bought a few already. Three, to make sure." She chuckled, her eyes red and swollen. "But I didn't have the guts to pee on the sticks yet. I'm scared."

"I know." I pulled her into my arms and kissed her forehead. "I'm scared too."

When she was ready, we went upstairs to the suite and I sat on the floor, next to the bathroom door while she went inside. It felt like forever, but she finally came out.

"What is it? What does it say?" I jumped to my feet.

"I don't know. We have to wait ten minutes to be sure."

"Fuck, that's an eternity," I sighed, plopping into the bed next to her.

Kelly was shaking her leg up and down and repeatedly running her fingers through her hair, undoing her bun. I never thought time could go that slow. "While we wait," she started, "I think we should discuss our options."

I sat up straight, looking at her. "Alright. What do you think we should do?"

"I don't want to get an abortion," she said, carefully, and I couldn't hide my frustrated sigh. "No, Shannon. That's out of the question."

"Do you want to have this baby?"

"No," she admitted. "But I don't want an abortion either. I'm not sure how I feel about it, morally or whatever, but it would be disrespectful to my family. My grandparents were against it, and if it weren't for them, my mom would have ended her pregnancy and I wouldn't be here today. So, no. I'm done disappointing them."

"But, Kelly," I tried. "What will happen to us if it's positive?"

"What do you mean what will happen to us?" She frowned. "Will you leave me if I'm pregnant?"

"No! But I can't... look at me, baby, I can't be a father."

She shrugged. "I'm having this baby with or without you."

"Well, then we don't have many options to discuss, do we?" I got up and started pacing.

"Don't you want to have a kid?" She asked me some time later. "Like, ever?"

I breathed in and exhaled loudly, my hands on my waist. "I don't know. Isn't it time, yet?"

Kelly checked the clock on her phone and got up. "One more minute," she said, walking back to the sink, where she'd left the test. We waited for the final seconds, and, as she turned the stick to see the result, I prayed for whatever God was out there for it to be negative. "Fuck."

"What is it?"

"Positive." She showed me the two lines and my heart skipped a beat.

"Do one more," I said. "Can you pee? I'll get some water." I ignored her answer and raced downstairs to get a bottle. If she didn't need it, I certainly did. I had a feeling I'd be needing something stronger as well, but I ignored that at that time. When I went back into the room, she was already sitting at the edge of the bed, waiting.

"I peed."

"You'll need it for the third test." I took a sip and gave her the bottle.

"I should probably wait a few hours between the tests?"

"I'll have a heart attack if we wait, Kelly."

"Yeah, me too." She drank the water and contemplated the floor between her feet. "I want to be a mother. Not now, I don't think I'm ready now, but eventually... I didn't want it before," she added with a sad smile.

"Before what?"

"Tobias. His family started pressuring us, but I didn't want it. Until one day I woke up and I realized I could see us being parents. More importantly, I could see myself as a mother."

I rolled my eyes. "Really, Kelly? You know, now is not the best time for you to say you regret leaving him."

"I don't!" She raised her voice a bit. "I'm just explaining how I came to accept that one day I'll have a child. I want this."

"And I have saint Tobias to thank for that."

She sighed. "Don't do this."

"Whatever," I shook my head, lying against the wall. "You can't picture me in this vision of yours, can you? You can't, because I'm not made for it. I didn't have a father, how can I be one?"

"We'll figure it out, Shan."

"Bullshit."

"I want to do this with you!" She stood up and walked towards me, holding my face between her hands. "I've seen you around kids, and you're better than me. You'll be an amazing father, baby. We will learn how to do this together."

"I don't want to," I put her hands down and gave a few steps back, walking around the room. Kelly started crying again, but she barely made a sound. When the ten minutes were up, she got the test, looked at it and practically threw the stick at me before slamming the bathroom door shut. It was negative.

I listened while she peed for the third and last time, praying once again for that whole thing to be over. But even if the third test was negative, even if all that was nothing but a hormonal issue or something, how could we survive that? She would want to have a baby at some point in her life, and I wouldn't. What reason would she have to stay with me? We weren't getting any younger, and that wasn't something I could ask her to give up. It was bigger than me, or us staying together.

"I'll sleep at Jared's tonight," she said when she got out of the bathroom.

"No, Kelly. Please..."

"There's no discussion. I'll sleep there, and we can talk about this again tomorrow."

"What will you tell him?" I asked while she packed a small bag.

"I don't need to justify myself to him. But don't worry, I won't say anything if you don't want me to. At least for now."

I nodded and we waited once more, in silence. When she finally checked the result, she let out a sigh and showed it to me. It was negative again.

"I hope you're happy," she smiled dryly and got the bag to leave. "I'll schedule an appointment with the doctor to check what the fuck that was."

"Let me drive you to Jared's, at least."

"Oh, no. You don't get to feel better by helping me. Not today."

"It's not about feeling better, Kelly! Jesus Christ, I'm just..."

"I don't care," she interrupted. "We can talk tomorrow, I don't want to be around you right now."

I heard her leave and lay on the bed for hours, waiting for sleep to find me. When it did, it came with no dreams, or rest, for that matter. I woke up to the sound of the rain falling outside; it was early morning, and I felt I would go insane if I didn’t do anything. Jared had texted me during the night:

_**How worried should I be?** _

_**Take care of her, dude. I'll drop by later,**_ I typed my answer.

* * *

**KELLY’S POV**

What I liked most about Jared was that he knew when he needed to push me and when he shouldn’t. When I got to his house, after leaving Shannon’s, I was so devastated that I couldn’t have told him what had happened even if I wanted to. All I needed was his company and a place to stay the night, and that was exactly what he gave me, no questions asked. I knew he would try to get the story from Shannon, though, and I felt like shit for involving him. But how could I not? The only other person who I would go for help was Jeremy, and that wasn’t such a good idea. Not at that moment, anyway. I must have slept a total of three hours that night; I kept jumping from one nightmare to the next, all which involved Shannon, Tobias and their mothers. Eventually, I gave up on sleep and figured I should at least try to do some work.

The rain had stopped and the sun was already halfway up in the sky when Jared knocked on the door.

“Hey, I just saw your email. How long have you been working?”

“I’ve been up for quite some time,” I closed my laptop and put it away, stretching my back. “I finished those posts you wanted me to write yesterday, and just went through the documentary photos.”

“Have you slept at all?” He sat next to me on the bed.

I rubbed my eyes. “I tried.”

“Look, I’m not going to ask, ok? But I need you to know you can talk to me about him, if you need. It’s like we have drifted apart since you two got together, and I miss you. Just ‘cause I’m his brother, it doesn’t mean I won’t be on your side in case something happens. You’re still my friend, my Kelly,” he smiled that perfect smile of his, making me melt.

“It would be really nice to believe that, but he’s not a random guy I picked up at some bar. He’s your brother, who you would do anything for, remember?”

“Again, that doesn’t mean I can’t talk some sense into his head if need be.”

I shook my head, looking away. “Can we not talk about him? Give me some work, give me something to do… I need to keep my mind busy.”

And so I did. Emma helped me fill the following hours with contracts and payments and all the boring stuff she had to decide and approve herself, all business, nothing that had Shannon’s face in it. I barely took a break that day, because if I did, my thoughts would wander back to the night before, and then I would have to think about it. We were wrapping up for the day when he showed up in his leather-jacket-low-cut-jeans combination that always had me trying to remember how to breathe.

“Hey,” he leaned against the door frame, hands in his pockets.

“Hi,” I answered.

“I called you, but you didn’t answer.”

“Yeah, I left my phone in the room.”

“Wanna grab a smoke outside with me?”

I looked at Emma, but there was no help there. “What? You’ve already done a week’s worth of work today, honey.” She winked at me, ignoring the murderous glance I threw at her.

We walked outside and sat by the pool, the way we had done so many times before. He gave me a cigarette, got one for himself and swallowed a couple of times before he started to talk.

“So… I thought a lot about what happened and, first of all, I’m sorry for the way I reacted. I shouldn’t have argued with you about the abortion thing… I understand it’s off limits to you, and I get your reasons. That being said, it still doesn’t change the way I feel about being a father. I don’t want it, Kelly. It’s not a matter of being good with kids or not, it’s my own child… I… can’t. Maybe one day I’ll want to, but now I’m sure I don’t.”

“I know. And I understand your reasons as well. I don’t want to convince you… if I happens, I want you to be on board with me because you chose to.”

“And I know I have no right to deprive you of something like that.”

“So where does that leave us?” He shook his head and looked at me with a sad smile that made my heart sink. “You’re breaking up with me, aren’t you?”

“You are the love of my life,” he said with tears in his eyes.

“Then why are you doing this?” I put out my smoke and knelled in front of him, cupping his cheek. “Please, Shan, we can figure this out.”

“Yesterday you made me realize that I’m not ready for where we are headed. It’s getting serious fast, and I’m not the man you deserve to be with. Not yet.”

“No! You don’t get to decide that…”

He grabbed my hands and continued talking. “Remember that project I’ve been discussing with Antoine?”

“No, no, no… you can’t…”

“I’m going to take some time off to do that with him. Just a few months. I think we should both take advantage of this time to think about what we want, and…”

“I know what I want!” I yanked my hands away and got up. “I want you! I want to be with you!”

“Are you sure of that?” He sighed.

“Is this because I mentioned Tobias last night? I didn’t mean anything by that, I wasn’t comparing you two… Please, Shannon! I love you!”

He got up, arms crossed in front of his chest. “I’m leaving in two days. You can stay in the house while I’m gone, if you want to. I hope you’ll still want to be with me when I’m back, but… I don’t want you to put your life on hold because of me.”

“I can’t believe you’re doing this,” I said under my breath, but loud enough for him to hear. It didn’t make him stop, though. I heard him go back inside, Jared’s voice when he tried to stop him, and his car leaving the driveway. Jared was with me less than a minute later, holding me in his arms and telling me I would be fine.


	12. Chapter 12

To say I'd messed up would be an understatement. I regretted leaving the moment I was out the door, and that's what I told Jared two months later, when he showed up in Russia after I kept ignoring his calls.

"So why don't you just go back?" He asked as if it were the most obvious course of action. In spite of everything he might have been feeling right then, and the fact that he had dropped everything to fly halfway across the world to check if I was okay, he was incredibly calm.

"It's not that simple."

"Oh, don't give me that bullshit. Don't even start. You don't get to screw up and run away anymore. Be a fucking adult for once. I'm tired of playing your role!"

I didn't fight him. He was absolutely right, how could I argue with that?

"She will never forgive me, man."

"She will, Shannon," Jared sighed. "Jesus Christ. Otherwise, she would have gone back to New York by now."

"How is she?"

"Not good, I won't lie to you. Not pregnant, either. The doctor confirmed it was a hormonal thing. And she's seeing Jeremy."

I threw my head back and laughed in exasperation. "And you want me to go back?"

"It's not serious," he dismissed the topic with a wave of his hand. "And she has all the right to do that, after what you pulled. Besides, sleeping around is all you've been doing here, isn't it? Have you relapsed too?" He took my silence as an affirmative. "Fuck. What do you need?"

"I don't..."

"From me, what do you need from me? I know I've been a shitty brother, obsessed with work, bossing you around and whatnot. I feel like we haven't talked in ages and I know this is partially my fault. How can I make up for that?"

"You can't. I'm just tired of trying to keep up with you."

He looked hurt, but he stopped pushing. We sat in silence in my hotel room for several more minutes until he got up, wiping his eyes.

"I need you back home, Shannon. Me, not the band. And if that doesn't mean anything to you anymore... well, Kelly needs you. You're putting her through hell, and she doesn't deserve that." He seemed to hesitate for a moment. "Next week we will have that Vyrt Lab thing I mentioned before. Come home, okay?"

He walked to the door without waiting for an answer.

I was broken. I got scared and then I panicked and did the exact same thing I'd accused Kelly of doing before - I pushed her away. Not only her, I pushed everybody away. What I'd told her the night I left was true; I wasn't the man she deserved to be with. But I wanted to be! I looked around the hotel room and thought about the previous nights, how meaningless they had been. Then I thought about her, and all I wouldn't give to be with her again, to feel her touch again, and make her laugh. I was terrified of going back, but Jared was right. And I needed them more then they needed me.

His house was buzzing with people when I got there. I knew Kelly would certainly be around somewhere, but I did my best to act cool, as I knew there would be cameras everywhere. I had Ripley with me, a monkey I got on the trip, and he was an immediate success with everybody. It gave me the perfect excuse to mingle without feeling guilty, or like I was intruding in a place I hadn't been to in two months.

From where I was sitting by the pool, I could see Kelly among the crowd working in the lab, trying not to make a sound while Jared and Tomo played with the string quartet. I couldn't tell if she had seen me already or not, but my guess was that she had. I had to remind myself she was that good at pretending all was well. At one point, however, Jared left the lab and went further inside the house, taking some of the crew with him and leaving others behind. Kelly stayed where she was, and headed to the pool moments later to have a smoke. I was chatting with other people, so she didn't even look my way, which was more or less what I expected. I had to apologize and I needed to do that before that day was over. But I had no idea how I would get her alone.

Ripley, as it turned out, was the answer. Kelly was hunkered down with her back against the wall, as far as she could be from us while still in sight. She smoked with the air of someone who had been doing it for a long time. Knowing she was but a casual smoker, I wondered if the habit had gotten stronger since I'd left. And that was when Ripley jumped from the stairs behind me and ran towards her, faster than we could catch him. I was on my feet and paralyzed with fear when he climbed her shoulders and entangled himself with her hair, holding onto her forehead. But, to my relief, she was laughing and playing with him. It was a blessing to hear that wholehearted laughter after so long.

"He scared me!" She chuckled while struggling to get up with Ripley on her back.

"Do you want me to take him?" I asked, maintaining a few feet between us. 

"No, it's fine. Do you think he'll try to get the cigarette from me?

"I don't know. Maybe."

"I'll put it out, then." She let the butt fall between her feet and stepped on it, squatting to get it from the floor and throw it in a large garbage bin on the side of the house. All of that while balancing Ripley on her shoulders. "This is actually a good workout," she smiled, playing with him. "Where did you get him?"

"In Ukraine."

"Oh." And the moment was lost. There was a terribly awkward silence between us, broken only by the voices from the group I'd been talking to before.

"It's really good to see you," I tried, reaching deep inside my pockets. Kelly only nodded to acknowledge she'd heard me, not that she felt the same. "Do you think maybe we could talk? I mean, later today..."

"Oh, no." She said while Ripley held her index finger. "Not today. It's really busy, I don't want to get distracted."

"Ah. Yeah, sure."

"Look, call me tomorrow. If you want."

"Yeah, okay. Good." I felt my eyes growing wide and my head nodding my excited agreement. I forced myself to stop.

"I have to get back inside..."

"Of course." She turned her shoulder towards me and waited till I got Ripley back. I was careful not to touch her. Being that close to her was hard enough without any physical contact.

She walked back without another word, but stopped halfway to the door. "Hey," she turned with the tiniest hint of a smile. "I'm glad you're back."

That line got me through the rest of the day, even though she did her best to avoid me from that moment on. By the time the event was over and I gathered my things to leave, she was nowhere to be found.

The next day I drove straight to Jared's, hoping I would find her there. It had occurred to me I didn't know where to find her anymore.

"Kelly's not here," Jared greeted me from the couch. "Today is Saturday, I gave everyone the day off." He was reading something on his laptop, a bowl of cereal in hand. "You were great yesterday, by the way. People liked seeing you."

"Good," I let myself fall on a chair opposite him.

"Okay. I won't have you moping around in here." He looked at me with his this-is-dead-serious look, which didn't cause the effect he might have hoped for, since the cheerios were still there. "She has bought a house. If I give you the address, will you promise not to fuck things up even further?"

"Yes!" I jumped to my feet.

"Right. Get out of here. I'm texting it to you."

When I arrived at the address Jared had given me, I had the common sense to park on the other side of the street and one block before the house. I knew she wasn't expecting me, and I had to come up with a plan before anything else. Should I call her and tell her I was outside? Probably not the best course of action. Should I call her and arrange to meet somewhere else? Maybe. But just as soon as I gathered up the nerve to make the call, the front door opened.

I didn't have the clearest view of what was going on, which I hoped also meant she couldn't see me or wouldn't recognize my car. However, I saw enough to understand. She came out of the house in sweats and an oversized t-shirt, her standard pajama, accompanied by her dear friend, Jeremy. I remembered Jared telling me she was seeing him, and my heart sank. He was dressed, though, his leathered arm hooked in a helmet. That explained the bike that was parked in front, which I had seen but not processed. He pulled her by the waist and they kissed briefly before he put on his helmet, got on his bike and rode off. And I just stood there. Motionless. Thankfully hidden from their sight.

Granted, she wasn't doing anything wrong. But I knew I'd messed up big time, and seeing them together was like rubbing salt on that wound. Would I be able to remedy all that, or was it too late? Would she even listen to my apologies? What kind of apology did I have, anyway? 

I stayed there for a very long time until I finally left, driving aimlessly through the city. It was the middle of the afternoon when I went back home and realized I hadn't eaten anything the whole day. I made some instant noodles just for the sake of it and began to think more clearly of what I could do. Inviting her over for dinner would be too risky, I didn't think she would accept it and, even if she did, she might feel trapped, as if I had a hidden agenda. Taking her out to a restaurant would also be too much. Maybe something in the middle; in public, but still casual enough for her to feel at ease. It wasn't the perfect scenario, but I settled for a coffee shop, one of our favorites in the city. It was a place both of us would feel comfortable at, so the potential for disaster wouldn't be so grand.

Most of my crappy meal left untouched, my palms sweating and my heart racing, I dialed her number and waited.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Kelly. It's Shannon."

"Yeah, hi."

"Listen, you said I could call you today. Um, I was wondering... are you busy later today? Or now, I don't know."

"Now or later?" She chuckled softly, yet not unkindly.

"Whatever's best for you." I swallowed dry, pressing the cellphone against my ear so hard it would leave a mark for some minutes after the call.

"What do you have in mind?"

"I thought we could get some coffee at Paper or Plastik."

"Umm," she considered. "Yeah, why not? That sounds good. Meet you there in one hour?"

"Yeah, perfect! See you."

As one would expect, she hadn't been her cheerful self, but she hadn't been unfriendly either. If I were to describe her behavior right then I would choose the words politely distant. I guess that was more than I deserved, anyway.


	13. Chapter 13

She arrived ten minutes after I did, spotted me upstairs and went to the table. We both ordered; a salted caramel brownie, a chocolate chip cookie and a cold-brew iced coffee for her, a muffin and an espresso for me. She has always been the one with a sweet tooth.

"This place is getting more and more crowded every day," she said to fill in the silence.

"Yeah, right? I remember the first time we came here."

Kelly smiled politely and looked around.

"Alright, listen. There's no easy way to start this conversation, so I'll just say what I have to say, okay?" She looked at me, waiting. "I know there are no excuses for what I did, but I am sorry. I knew I was making a mistake as soon as I was out the door that night, but I didn't know how to come back." I wet my lips, looking for the right words. "The past few months have been hell for me, but I figured I had to forgive myself before I could come here and ask for your forgiveness."

"Have you?"

"What?"

"Forgiven yourself?"

"No," I admitted under my breath. "Now I'm thinking maybe I need you to forgive me first."

Kelly snorted and shook her head. "You didn't seem to be having such a terrible time there."

"I was high most of the time."

She nodded, tracing invisible lines on the table.

"If I could go back, Kelly, I’d do it all differently. I still don't want kids, but I would handle that whole thing differently. I wouldn't be the jerk I was. Please, believe me, I regret everything I did and said that night. I have regretted it all this time."

"I believe you," she said, quietly. "But we can't go back."

"There's got to be a way," I ran my fingers through my hair.

"What I meant was that we can't keep focusing on the past. What's done is done. If you want me to forgive you, talk to me about the future."

"Well, Jared told me you're seeing Jeremy, so..."

"I'm not seeing him, I'm sleeping with him."

"Right. Either way, I think we can start again and make this work. I mean, if you're up to it. And if you're not, I just need you to know how sorry I am, and that I miss you. I miss being with you."

We got interrupted by the waiter bringing us our orders, and we both fell silent, thinking while we chewed.

"I miss you too, Shan," Kelly said after some minutes. "More, much more than I'm happy to admit. But the thing is, is that we can't keep trying to be together while there's obviously something wrong between us. I don't know what it is, but there is something. Maybe it's our timing that is all wrong, maybe... I don't know, we are in different moments of our lives. But I'm tired of getting my heart broken by you. After you left I told myself enough was enough, but I couldn't exactly live by that, could I?" Her lips curled into a sad, humorless smile. "I don't want to quit you just yet."

"Then don't," I reached over the table for her hand. She let me take it. "I agree with you, there is something we're doing wrong. But together we can figure out what it is and we can fix it."

Her eyes started to fill up as she looked at me.

"Fuck," she whispered, looking up.

"Please, Kelly."

She held my hand for a while longer and then went back to her cookie, eating it in silence. Following her lead, I finished my muffin, eyeing her at every other minute to study her reactions. Kelly wasn't hard to read, not when her walls were already down.

"I have my own place now," she said, looking up from her plate and sipping her coffee.

I smiled. "Jared's told me that also." 

"Of course he has," she giggled, in spite of herself. "It's not as big as yours, but I like it. It's quite comfortable. You should come by sometime."

"That'd be great." I obviously couldn't tell her I had already seen it.

"Shan," she breathed in and exhaled softly. "Let's not rush it, okay? I want us to go out on dates, like proper dates. Do normal stuff for a change, like having coffee, catching a movie, go hiking on the weekends, whatever normal couples do. I want to fall in love with you... the right way."

"Absolutely. You're right." She was, but I'm sure I would agree with anything she said, as long as there'd still be a 'we'.

"I've talked with Jared," she continued, "I'm not going on tour with you guys anymore. At least not abroad. I'm staying at the office with Emma and happy to. Of course you won't be touring anytime soon, but when you do..."

"Yeah, got it. I think that's good. We need space to breathe, right?"

"And time to miss each other properly."

"That too."

I finished my espresso wondering whether I'd understood correctly or not.

"So, we're..."

"Friends," she finished. "Alright? Let's go from there."

That was not what I'd hoped for. But, again, as long as there was still a 'we'.

"Okay," I smiled. 

We finished our coffees and I asked about her work. Since I’d been away and not exactly communicating with LA, I didn’t know what was new. She filled me in on the documentary progress, VyRT, Jared’s plans for recording the new album, and everything else I needed to know. We were careful not to mention any delicate issues, like Antoine, eastern Europe, or her relationship with Jeremy. An hour after we’d arrived at the cafe, Kelly started checking the time and browsing her phone.

“Do you have any plans?” I asked.

“No, I’ve just had an idea. Have you seen The Cabin in the Woods?”

“No, what’s that?”

“A movie,” she laughed. “It’s in theaters now, and I’ve been dying to go. But with all the prep work for yesterday’s event, you know… today is my first day off in weeks. So, what do you think? We’ve never actually been to the movies together.”

“I think that’s a great idea,” I smiled.

“Yeah? Let’s try to be normal?”

“Yeah,” I grinned. “Let’s do this.”

It wasn’t the most natural thing in the world, but we had fun. After the movie ended, we stopped at a burger joint and then went our separate ways.

Being only friends and going slow wasn’t our modus operandi, so it required great effort, at least from my part. Kelly was on the back of my mind all day, every day, and the fact that we both worked in the same place didn’t actually help. I wouldn’t see her all the time, as Jared and I were starting the recording process for the new album, and she was always locked up in a room far from the studio. The awareness that she was there, though, was enough to distract me and make it hard for me to focus. Jared found it all very amusing and kept repeating that at least she made me show up. The writing process was usually something he preferred going through by himself, only bringing me and Tomo in when he knew what he was doing and what direction he wanted to follow, but I could tell he appreciated my company and my inputs. During the couple of weeks that followed my coffee date with Kelly, he was constantly dropping comments and little hints as to where she was, what she was doing and how she was feeling, to which I would only smile and pretend (by an older brother principle I couldn’t quite explain) I wasn’t so desperate to know. He wouldn’t even try to hide how pleased he was to be playing matchmaker.

I was alone in the main kitchen on the second Friday after that first date, finishing my coffee and getting ready to go home, when Kelly walked in with Emma, both of them laughing broadly at something on Kelly’s phone. She looked so at ease that I couldn’t have stopped myself from smiling, even if I’d wanted to. I noticed, not without a pang of disappointment, that she hesitated a bit when she saw me standing there. It wasn’t obvious, her smile only faltered for a fraction of a second, and then it was warm and welcoming.

“Hi,” she said, giving me a brief hug. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s like we’re not in the same house every day,” I joked, drinking the last of my coffee and rinsing the mug in the sink. Emma’s stare burning the back of my head, I asked what they were up to.

“Actually,” Kelly started, and out of the corner of my eye I saw her looking at Emma. For encouragement, it seemed. “I’m having some people over tonight, if you want to come.”

“Oh, really?” I turned, drying my hands on the dishcloth. “What’s the occasion?” What I really wanted to know was who was going to be there.

“Nothing special. It’ll be just us,” she waved her hand at Emma, “people from the Hive.”

“Nice.”

“So, you’ll come?” Kelly asked, expectantly.

Emma’s ice blue eyes were drilling into mine now.

“Sure. What time?”

“We’re heading there now, so, anytime you want.”

“Okay.” I waved as they left, wondering if Jared would be there and how awkward I would feel, alone among them.

“I forgot something, just a sec.” Emma shouted from the front door and we almost collided when her rushed footsteps reached the kitchen. “Listen, dickhead,” she pushed me back inside with the element of surprise working to her advantage rather than actual strength. “It’s a housewarming party. She’s been racking her brain for a good opportunity to invite you over. Try not to screw this up.”

“A… Alright.”

She straightened up and grinned. “Honestly, you two,” I heard her mumble when she turned and left.

Three hours later I was knocking at Kelly’s door, carrying a brown paper bag full of cookies. She opened the door with that big, bright smile of hers.

“You came!”

“Yeah. And I brought you cookies. Emma told me this was a housewarming party, but it was too short notice for me to find something good to get you. Plus, I didn’t know what you need, so…”

Kelly shook her head, letting me in and closing the door behind us.

“You didn’t have to get me anything, really. But I’ll never say no to cookies,” she took the paper bag, inspecting it. “I’ll hide this in the kitchen, I don’t want to share,” she laughed. “Come on.”

I followed her inside to what was clearly the center of the house. There was a big, round table in the middle of the kitchen, flanked by matching chairs and an island. Five pizza boxes laid opened on the table, their contents already gone.

“They got here pretty early,” she waved her hand at the sound of people chatting and laughing in another room. “Have you eaten anything? If you’re hungry I can order something.”

I told her I was good and watched her, barefooted, legs naked from the hem of her denim shorts down, stand on the tip of her toes to put the cookies on top of the refrigerator. She caught me looking and blushed, but acted as though nothing had happened.

“No one ever looks at the top of other people’s fridge. It’s the best place to hide snacks you want to save for later. Come, let me show you around the house.”

It wasn’t big. A guest room and a suite were each at one side of the kitchen. The living room was small, but very cozy with bean bags and cushions spread around a black, reversible couch. I waved a quick hello to everyone gathered there. They were sensible enough to act like my presence there wasn’t a big deal.

We walked back to and past the kitchen, towards a back door and the small yard behind it. Kelly had clearly attempted at decorating it, but I guessed she’d given up midway. There was no furniture, and a couple of empty large plant pots were laying around. The small garden was unattended.

She smiled at me, reading my mind. “You know I’m not good with plants.”

“Well, I can see where this was going.”

“Gardening is not for me, I’m too busy for it. I like this yard, tho. It’s very LA-ish, but… I like it.”

“You’re such a New Yorker,” I laughed, moving closer to her.

“I am. But it’s the people, right? That make a place feel special. If you stay somewhere… you do it for the people, not the place.”

Her eyes were on mine while she spoke and I saw her breathe in a bit deeper before she looked at our feet.

“Let’s go back inside, I think we’re playing Cards Against Humanity.”

She brushed her shoulders against my chest as she walked past me, and I followed her inside, wondering how long I’d been holding my own breath.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dedicate this particular chapter to Mel Locatelli. It seems like it, but not all men are that stupid ;)

The last of her guests left and she smiled tiredly from the door. “That was fun,” she yawned.

“Do you want me to leave?” I asked, preparing to get up.

Kelly sat by my side on the couch and rested her head on my shoulder, her arm hugging my chest. “No,” she answered softly.

We sat there in comfortable silence, enjoying each other’s touch. She hummed and smiled when I ran my fingers through her hair, tangling them in the brown strands she always wore down. Eventually, she fell asleep and I followed, all my senses filled with her presence.

I woke up in the middle of the night and it took me some seconds to realize where I was. When I did, I scooped her up gently to take her to her room. She moaned and put her arms around my neck, letting me tuck her into bed, only half aware of what was happening. I kissed her forehead and turned to leave, when she spoke in a very tiny voice: “stay.”

“It’s late,” I smiled at her sleepy figure, her eyes still closed. “I’d better go home.”

“Please,” she whispered.

Gladly enough, I took my pants and my shirt off and carefully slid into bed next to her. She immediately cuddled up closer, finding her spot on my shoulder.

“I love you, Shannon,” she said quietly before drowsing back to sleep. Feeling my heart swell with happiness and love for her, I didn’t think I’d be able to sleep again, but somehow I did.

The idea came to me the following week when I was having lunch with my mom. Something she said about my grandmother made me think of what Kelly had told me about her family, and growing up in Lake Placid. I though of all her losses, and everything else she kept locked inside of her. Then I though of all that space she had in her backyard, and of how clueless she was about what to do with it.

I still felt terrible about the way I had reacted about her potential pregnancy, and I knew the only reason why she was forgiving me was the invisible pull we felt towards each other. That was not what I wanted. There was no way to make up for what I’d said to her, but if I could do anything, anything at all to make her feel at least a bit better, I’d take that chance in a heartbeat. I couldn’t take her for granted anymore.

So I asked Emma and Shayla for help and got to work.

They were supposed to distract Kelly and keep her away from her house when the time came. For two weeks I worked in my backyard, building what I hoped would be a good replica of the wooden bench her grandpa used to love. I had nothing but my memory of her description of the bench and my imagination to guide me, so I was extra careful and patient with my project. It had to be perfect.

Finally, when it was done and I was ready to transport it, I had Emma get me a copy of Kelly’s keys.

“How did you manage to get it?” I asked when I met her on the street, one block away from the Lab.

“I asked. Said I’d forgotten some papers there last night. How long do you think you’ll take?”

“Couple of hours, maybe.”

She shook her head, smiling. “This better be good.”

“It will be. Have some faith.” I put out my cigarette and walked back to the car, raising my hand when Emma wished me good luck.

But it took me two hours just to get the bench in the truck. It wouldn’t fit the way I’d planned and, since I was doing it all by myself, every adjustment and readjustment consumed precious minutes I could have saved had I asked someone to help me with that.

By the time I arrived at Kelly’s, I had already missed three calls from Shayla. The fourth time she called, I answered, out of breath.

“Just stall her for one more…”

“No, listen! I tried to call you, I sent a dozen texts. Kelly’s gone home.”

“Why would she do that?” I dropped the end of the bench I was holding onto the grass in front of the house. “You were supposed to take her for drinks or something.”

“Yeah, but she insisted on going home first. She thinks Emma’s still there. I’m sorry, Shannon.” I sighed, wiping my brow with a sweaty palm. “Do you want me to…”

“No. No, just leave it. How long ago has she left?”

“Ten minutes, give or take.”

“Alright, thanks.”

Resigned, I put my phone away and went back to the task at hand. Traffic considered, Kelly would be home in fifteen minutes, tops. There was no way I could finish and be gone by the time she arrived, which had been the plan, but I could at least try to move the bench around the house.

I had just done that when I heard her car pull up. The gate was opened and she parked inside while I kept working, half carrying, half dragging the piece, determined to put it where I’d wanted her to find it. Her voice reached me as she got out of the car.

“Ems, hi. Are you inside? Why are you driving Shannon’s truck?… What’s in the yard?” She walked towards the back, her steps sounding closer and hesitant. “No, I haven’t seen him today. What’s going on?… Oh.”

She was standing right in front of me. Her eyebrows were raised in surprise as she wondered what I was doing there. I wiped my brow again, moving sweaty hair away from my eyes. She frowned, smiling, still not understanding.

“Have you found him?” Emma asked on the other end of their call, her voice coming out clearly through the phone, yet ignored. I realized my hands were shaking.

Just then, Kelly saw the wooden bench, and she understood. From the look in her eyes I knew she’d understood what I’d wanted it to be.

“I have to go, Ems,” she disconnected the call and walked over to the bench to touch the wood, running her hands through it as if evaluating my work.

“Sit,” I encouraged, watching as she did so.

“It’s almost identical,” she said.

“Is it? You mentioned it was uncomfortable, so I got some cushions. They’re in the truck, I can go get them.”

“No,” she smiled. “I mean, later. I can’t believe you did this.”

I sat next to her. “Yeah, well. I know we said we wouldn’t rush things and I don’t want you to think I’m cheating by doing this, but I had to do something. I know how much you miss your family, and that you regret making the choices that took you away from your mom and your grandma. I understand what I did, what I said that night really hit home in the ugliest way possible, and I’d never, ever meant to hurt you like that. If I could bring them back for you, I would, Kelly. But making this bench seemed like the next best thing.” I shrugged. “Anyway, I… I just had to do something.”

“Thank you. This is the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for me,” she hugged me tight and didn’t move away. “I really appreciate it.”

I held the back of her head, pressing her kindly against my body. “I’ll never take you for granted again. I love you.”

Kelly disentangled herself from my arms to look at me. She touched my face and my hair, unbothered by the sweat.

“You’d better not,” she said and smiled before kissing me.

It was our first kiss after I’d got back, and it started out as softly as it could. Her lips were firm, but gentle against mine, and when they parted, she licked my bottom lip almost timidly, as if uncertain she should be doing that. I met her tongue with mine and moved to hold her waist, but I let her deepen the kiss. Consciously avoiding moving my hand down to her hip or up to the side of her breast, I squeezed her waist through the fabric of her top and followed her lead, moving my tongue with hers. When I grabbed a fistful of her hair and she moaned against my lips, I knew we had to stop before it was too late.

Holding her face with both hands, I pulled away just enough to look at her.

“Kelly, if you want to take it slow…”

“I know,” she laughed.”

“I won’t be able to stop.”

“I know.”

She pulled away, biting her bottom lip. Her cheeks were flushed, and there were goosebumps on her bare arms, in spite of the late afternoon warmth.

“Tell you what,” I said. “I’ll go home and shower while you get ready.”

“Ready for what?”

“I think I can get us a table at Katsuya for tonight.”

She smiled. “Shannon Leto, are you asking me out on a date?”

“Yeah. A proper one.” I winked and got up, getting ready to leave. “I’ll pick you up at 7.”

KELLY’S POV

We’d been on and off for three years. I’d seen Shannon angry, sad, pissed at me, Jared, himself and no one in particular, confident, depressed, happy and ecstatic, but I’d never seen him as invested as he was on that date.

When he picked me up he was wearing black pants and a black t-shirt, paired with a dark denim jacket that fit him so well I could hardly take my eyes away from him. I wondered if he’d chosen that particular combination only because he knew how much I would like it.

“You look amazing,” he smiled when I got inside the car.”

I had put on a mini dress and a leather jacket to impress him, so I smiled back, pleased with my choice. “You’re very handsome yourself.”

There was no mistaking where and how that night was going to end, but playing the part of the first date and building up the anticipation was doing things to me. I remembered how it was to feel not only attracted by, but also in love with Shannon, without any kind of resentment towards him. That combination was making my heart flutter, and I only got more and more turned on as our dinner progressed.

He talked about how he made the bench, and the mere thought of him working with wood in his yard, under the sun, had me squirming in my seat, as I was most definitely wet. Feeling my face burning, I excused myself and headed to the toilet, hoping my arousal hadn’t been too obvious.

“Fuck’s sake, what’s wrong with you?” I mumbled to the mirror in the empty space.

“What’s wrong is that you want him to fuck you so bad, you can’t even listen to what he’s saying,” a voice answered inside my head, making me blush again even as I laughed at my reflexion.

I’d been with other men the past few months, as I knew Shannon had been with other women. Well, to be fair, I’d been with other man. Singular.

Jeremy was a good friend and a very good lay, but the nature of our relationship was crystal clear for the both of us. We took care of each other, we comforted each other when needed, but it would never, ever be more than that. Being friends the way we were, the stakes were too high. Besides, we both had personality traits that the other found impossible to live with. He was stubborn, he liked things his way, and he had an urge to protect me that, in a different kind of relationship, would be translated into jealousy. I, on the other hand, felt like I was constantly fighting to be free. I would hate to resent Jeremy. However, inside the boundaries of our friendship, I let him take care of me. It felt good.

He’d always hated Shannon, though. Even before the episode at the pier, but, understandably, much more after that. The last night I called him and asked him to come over, the night Shannon had come back, he wouldn’t even pretend to be happy for me.

“So you’re just dropping everything…”

“I’m not dropping everything…”

“… to be with him?!”

“I’m not dropping everything!”

“No, not everything. Just us.”

“There is no us, Remy, come on. Not like that.”

“Oh yeah, that’s just what I needed to hear.”

“You’re disappointed, I get it. But don’t act like there was something more going on here, ‘cause we both know there wasn’t.”

“Of course I’m disappointed. I’m always the one you call when Shannon hurts you. I’m the one who brings you ice cream, tequila, whatever else you need. I’m the one you want to fuck when he’s not an option. And don’t get me wrong, I like doing all of the above, but I’m tired of watching you get your butt hurt again and again. He is bad for you, Kelly. I don’t care how well he fucks you, he’s the very definition of a prick, and you deserve better.”

That went on for hours and hours, and we didn’t exactly part in good terms. He kissed me when he left the following morning, he wished me luck, but I knew I’d have to wait maybe a couple of months for him to calm down before I could call him again, for whatever reason.

Studying my face in the mirror, I allowed myself to think of all Jeremy had said. He wouldn’t have cared about the bench, or any of the things Shannon told me. But I knew Shannon enough to know he really meant them, that he wasn’t just being nice to get me back.

“He’s probably as nervous as you are right now,” that voice in my head agreed.

I also knew Jeremy had a point, but at that time, the truth was, I didn’t care. Honestly, I still don’t. I straightened my dress and walked back to the table.

Shannon got out of the car and rushed to the passenger side to open the door for me. I let him help me and walk me to my door step. Smiling, I put a hand on his chest and moved closer, raising my chin just a bit to look him in the eye. Both his hands were holding my waist, and I felt safe, right where I should be. The heat emanating from his body was making me dizzy.

“Thank you for tonight. I had a wonderful time.”

A tender smile played on his lips as he brushed his thumbs on my sides. I kissed him, letting my lips linger on his for a moment before nibbling his bottom one. He groaned, holding me tighter.

“Do you want to come in?”

His eyes were dark with desire when he nodded.

The best I can say in defense of our attempt to take it slow is that we made it halfway to my room with our clothes on.

“God, we’re good at this dating thing,” I said while we kissed and undressed each other.

Shannon grunted his agreement, turning me and pining me against the wall in the hallway, my back to him. Burying his face on my hair and neck, biting and licking every patch of skin he could find, he pressed his crotch against my lower back, grabbing my torso until he reached my breasts and squeezed them through the dress. I moaned and tried to pull down the zipper on my side, desperate to get rid of all that fabric.

“Yeah, baby, I missed your moans so fucking much.” He helped me out of the dress and undid my bra so fast I only realized it was gone when he circled his tongue around my nipples.

I grabbed and pulled his hair, reaching inside his pants to massage his balls as we kissed. He moaned inside my mouth, making me shiver with pleasure.

“I fucking missed your cock,” I said, stroking him a few times. He attacked my lips, sucking them as he pulled my hair back too.

His other hand traveled down my body, pinching my nipples and squeezing my waist until it found the only piece of clothing I still had on me. It was soaked. He pulled at it until it ripped and immediately covered the exposed skin with his fingers. Still grabbing my hair and alternating between biting my lips and my neck, he moved two fingers inside of me and used his thumb to circle my clit. I tugged at his arms, feeling his muscles working and moving my hips to meet his pace, barely aware that he had stopped kissing me to watch the effect he had.

When I came, arching my back against the wall, he kissed me softly, holding the back of my head.

“You’re amazing,” he breathed.

“Fuck me, baby,” I begged, not even listening to what he was saying. He smirked at my desperation. “Please. Your cock. Fuck me.”

I was barely making sense, but he scooped me up and took me to the room, throwing me onto the bed. He took his pants off and raised my legs, holding my ankles together with one hand, the other stroking himself. The very sight of him, his arms working, his pupils dilating, could have made me climax again, but he made sure he was an active part in that.

He pulled me to the edge of the mattress and rubbed my clit with the tip of his cock before slamming into me without warning. I cried and spread my knees wide apart, holding the back of them with my hands. Shannon anchored his hands on my hips and started thrusting in a furious pace, the way he knew I liked it when I was that turned on.

Only three minutes later he was coming, groaning through his gritted teeth as I moaned loudly.

“Fuck, Kelly,” he collapsed next to me.

“I know,” I panted.

“Have you got tighter?”

“I think you’ve got thicker,” I laughed, adjusting myself to lie on his chest. “But you know, that was way too fast…”

His grin was delightful. We didn’t sleep that night.


	15. Chapter 15

March 2018

The house was in the rural area of the middle of nowhere, Germany. I checked her text once again to make sure I was in the right place, and then parked the rental in the driveway. It had been almost two years since I last saw Kelly, and I had to take a moment to breathe and calm the butterflies in my stomach before getting out of the car. I climbed the two steps that led to the small porch with a smile. Driving there, all the houses I'd passed by were white and blended in the snow; there was nothing notorious about them. Her house, on the other hand, was dark grey, with white frames and a bright, red front door. It had her personality all over. I rang the bell and waited.

When she opened the door and saw me standing there, her smile was so genuine that all I could do was gaze at her. And I guess I was smiling too, because she giggled after a few seconds. "We're so pathetic. Come, get your butt inside. It's freezing." She grabbed my hand and I let her guide me into the hall. I felt the change in temperature almost immediately, and as I took off my coat, she cleared one of the hooks on the wall to hang it.

"Hi," I finally said, watching her.

"Hi," she answered, moving closer to hug me. "My God, you are so big." I chuckled, wrapping my arms around her. "Did you find the house okay?"

"Yeah. I never pictured you far from the city."

"I know, right? But I like it." She raised her head, putting her chin on my chest to look at me. "I'm an old lady who likes the quiet now."

"Shut up," I laughed, letting go of her to look around. "This place is really cool."

"It's all Tobi," she smiled with pride, walking around the living room. "He's really into old English furniture, so I let him have his fun. The only thing I did was choosing the color when we repainted. I told you, we are getting old and boring. Come, I'll give you a tour."

She showed me what she called the "game room", which was an extension of the living room, but with a shelf full of board games, a TV rack with video game consoles, and some baby toys in one corner.

"James is sleeping," she said when she caught me looking at the toys. "Come, let's take a look at him."

We went to the master bedroom, where a crib was placed next to the bed. I took a discrete look around the room while Kelly checked on her baby; it was clear the other adult who occupied it hadn't been there for a while. The sheets were crumpled only on her side of the bed, and the nightstand on his side seemed too empty.

"Comere," Kelly whispered.

I stood next to her, suddenly hesitant. I knew he wasn't my baby, but he could have been. Everything could have been so diffent. But James was the spitting image of his father, though there was also a lot of Kelly in him. It was undeniable that he was their son.

"How old is he again?" I asked quietly.

"Six months," Kelly answered, smiling at him.

"He looks a lot like you."

"You think?"

"Sure. Look at his little hands tucked under his chin, that's all you." I put my arm around her shoulder and kissed her temple."

Kelly shook her head, taking a small step back. I didn't know if that gesture was meant for herself or for me. When I'd asked if I could go and visit she had seemed excited, at the very least. I hoped she realized I was never going to try something there, in the bedroom she shared with her husband, in front of their baby. But at the same time I wondered if she wanted me to. 

"Do you want some coffee?" She seemed to gather herself.

"Lead the way." 

I followed her to the kitchen, where she switched on the coffee machine and we sat at the breakfast table. She seemed tired. Beautiful as always, but tired. If you knew her well enough and looked past the smiles and giggles, you could see an air of sadness shadowing her eyes and weighing on her shoulders, something that didn't belong there.

"So, I heard about Tomo. Why is he taking time out?"

"He's left the band."

"He's what?!"

"I know," I ran my hand over my face and chuckled. "That was my reaction exactly. Legally he can't leave until June, but Jared doesn't want him around anymore."

"Shit."

"Shit, indeed. It hasn't been easy, but... you know. We've been around without Tomo before."

"I know you have. How's Jared been treating you?"

I shrugged. "If anything, it has brought us closer. He says hi, by the way."

She laughed, getting up to pour our coffee. "I miss him, you know. Well, both of you."

I bit my tongue before I said something I might regret later and took the mug she put in front of me. I'd thought about that visit and rehearsed that conversation over and over in my mind before even calling her to ask if I could go there. I wouldn't ruin it because of some stupid comment, but it was time for the hard part.

"How are you, babe?" I asked when she sat back down.

"I'm alright," she smiled, taking a sip from her mug.

"No, Kelly. Seriously. We've been texting since you were five months pregnant. I know you wouldn't be doing that if you were alright. You would be too busy in your happy bubble to be thinking about me. Just as you were when you came here."

"That's not true."

"Where is he?"

"I told you, he's in London, recording for the new album."

"Where was he when James was born?

"You know he had a concert..."

"Why can't he take a break to be with his wife and new born child?"

"Shannon..."

"I'm not picking a fight, Kelly. I'm just saying... How is this whole situation fair to you?" She crossed her arms, avoiding my eyes. "You've been cooped up here for months, just you and the baby. That's not healthy, honey. Why is he never around? Does he know about that night?" I tried to ask that last question as smoothly as I could, but my voice came out shaky all the same. Either way, it was out there. What I knew she didn't want to talk about, but we had to, nevertheless. 

Kelly started crying silently, looking out the window. I sipped my coffee while I waited for her to talk.

"I don't know if he knows for sure," she said after a while. "But he suspects. We had the ugliest fight when I came back from LA that time, and I felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world accusing him of not trusting me. What right did I have?" She scoffed. "Anyway, we spent a shitty couple of days, and Shannon, I swear he was going to break it up. But then..."

"You found out you were pregnant."

"Yes. And Tobi... see, we never talked about it, but I could see it in his eyes that he thought it was your baby. Hell, even I thought it was. But we'd had sex a couple of days before I went there to see you, so... there was still a chance. My first trimester was living hell." The tears were falling again, and Kelly wiped her cheeks furiously while she talked. "There were good days and terrible ones, but mostly he just kept to himself. I was so consumed with guilt and so desperate... I couldn't bear telling you about it, because you'd just lost a baby. What if I told you then, and later you'd found it wasn't yours? It was Jared's idea to take the paternity test. I asked Tobi to go with me, so I could convince him once and for all it was his baby. But you see, Shannon, I was never sure. I risked everything."

I moved the chair closer to hers and held her while she sobbed.

"But it is his baby," I said. "Didn't he go back to normal after the test results?"

"He was relieved, but he was still sure I'd cheated. I don't know if he knows for sure, I don't think so. I mean, how could he? I swore nothing had happened so many times, I almost believed it myself," she laughed drily. "But it's you. How can I pretend nothing happened?"

"Oh, Kelly." I pressed my forehead against her temple.

"It's like he sees it when he looks at me. He sees right through my lies, I can't hide it from him. And you know, he's always been a workaholic, but after all of that he just buried himself in work, one album after the other. That's why he's never around. I've seen him playing with James on his own, but when I try to get him to spend time with the both of us, it's like he's miles away."

"What are you going to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you can't raise a child in the middle of all this. Have you thought about other options?"

"What options do I have?"

"Divorce, for one."

"Shan, please." 

I sighed. "Alright, look. I knew it could come to this, but I swear I didn't know how bad it was with him. I'm not doing this on purpose, okay? Well, I am, actually. But I'm not shit stirring. Just... keep that in mind." I took my cellphone out and handed her the earbuds.

"What are you doing?"

"I wrote a song. Jared's been telling me to do it for ages, but I guess I never had anything to say. I do now. The album hasn't come out yet, so nobody knows about it, and I wanted to see your reaction first hand. That's why I came here. I promised you I would get my shit together, and I have, baby. Put the earbuds in."

I pressed play and watched as she listened to Remedy. Her eyes filled with tears again as soon as the song started.

"You're singing it?!" She covered her mouth with both her hands and stayed like that until it ended. "Shannon, it's... oh my god."

"Did you like it?"

"I loved it. It's beautiful."

I smiled. "It's for you, and... because of you." I put a strand of hair behind her ear. "You've always believed in me, even when my family had given up, even from a distance, you've never stopped taking care of me."

"I'm so proud of you." She hugged me.

"I love you, Kelly," I whispered in her ear. "I will always love you. Let me take care of you now, baby."

Kelly drew a shaky breath, pressing her forehead against mine. She placed a hand on my chest and I held it there while I covered her lips with mine. When I felt her body relax, I held the back of her head and she let me deepen the kiss, our tongues dancing together, exploring the usual places, finding their usual pace. She started moving her legs to straddle me, when the baby's cries echoed in the kitchen.

Kelly jumped back, standing in a heartbeat. "I need to feed him," she mumbled before leaving the kitchen.

"Fuck," I breathed, rubbing my temples.

Deciding it was best to give her some privacy, I rinsed the mugs and waited a couple of minutes before going to the room to find her. She was sitting on a rocking chair, breastfeeding her baby and singing to him. I stood on the doorway, watching her quietly, with my hands inside my pockets. When I realized she was humming the melody of remedy, I felt my own eyes tearing up. 

"I think you better go now," she said without taking her eyes away from James.

"Are you angry with me?"

"No. I just need to be alone right now. And think."

"Will you be alright?"

"Yeah."

I walked up to her and knelt by the chair. "Baby, can you look at me?" She did. "I'm going to Amsterdam now, but we're touring Europe until June. I'd love it if you could come to a show. Just let me know when and I'll have someone pick you up here or meet you at the airport, whatever you need. Just, please, don't shut me out, okay? Let me help you."

She gave a small nod and a faint smile. I kissed the top of her head and stroked James's head before turning to go.

"Shannon," she called when I was leaving the room. "Thank you for coming."


End file.
